Wednesday, December 12, 2012

An Apology To Caring Men

Relationships between men and women can be. . . . complicated. Once in awhile, there’s an opening, a new way of seeing and being seen, of understanding and being understood. The catch (you knew there’d be one, didn’t you?) is that even when we are offered what we have been asking and hoping for, we have to be able to receive.

Many years ago, a men's group asked me to meet with them to talk about the differences between life for women and life for men in our culture- obviously from the perspective of a woman. I was happy to do it. I’d done my best to raise two sons with some awareness of this difference, particularly around personal safety, asking them to be aware of women on the street- particularly at night if a woman was walking alone- and to cross to the other side of the street if they were behind her, to slow down and let her increase the distance between them. I'd reminded them that although they would never do the woman harm, she would have no way of knowing that, and might be going through incredible anxiety about the intent of the stranger behind her.

The men’s group and I had a great evening. We laughed and cried together. I told them about being raped as a young woman, about the fear that women often feel in situations where safety would be less of a concern for men. They were warm and receptive, concerned for the women in their lives, eager to be supportive, to be aware of how they might be unconsciously adding to the stress of situations that arise. Some of the men had also experience threats to their personal safety- and those stories were also shared. Because most men are generally larger and stronger than most women and our ideas of masculinity often emphasize being fearless, it can be even harder for them to admit to being frightened for their safety. The discussion was honest and heart-opening for all.

As I went to leave, several of the men offered to walk me to my car. It was eleven o'clock at night and my car was a couple of blocks down the street in a residential area. They had heard what I’d said, had taken it to heart, wanted to be supportive and protective, wanted to lower the stress of walking down a dark street alone.

Without thinking, I gave my automatic response. I said, “Oh no, that’s okay. I’m fine.”

The men hesitated, confused. And who could blame them? They didn’t want to insist, didn't want to take away my right to decide how I walked down the street or suggest that I was not capable of taking care of myself. I had asked them to understand how life for me, as a woman, was sometimes more dangerous or stressful in situations like walking to my car in the dark- than it often was for them. 

And they got it.

But I wasn’t able to receive the care they offered. The inability to have something different happen that night was mine, not theirs.

In a dominator culture, needing help, accepting assistance – particularly assistance offered because of your gender- has often had too high a price, can be used as an excuse to limit our choices. In an effort to avoid the limitations sometimes imposed on a woman seen as weak or unable to take care of herself, I had wedded myself to an independence that precluded receiving care, that made being accompanied or protected feel as dangerous as taking my chances.

Don't get me wrong: I advocate that women know how to take care of themselves, that they be trained in self-defense and know they can sense and avoid dangerous situations or protect themselves and those they love if the need should arise. In fact, when we are confident that we can protect ourselves, we are less likely to have to prove it to ourselves or others, more able to simply receive what another offers and say thank you, welcoming the break from needing to be vigilant on our way home or during our walk to the car late at night.

So, to my dear brothers- I apologize. In this instance so many years ago (and no doubt in others since) you were there with your hearts open, offering what I had just told you was needed. I was not yet secure enough in myself to be able to receive from you (as I now would be more able to do.)

May we know who we are, offer what we can, and be free to receive with gratitude.

Oriah (c) 2012

9 comments:

  1. Thank You Oriah. This is an area I need to do some work on for myself. I can clearly see how I block myself from that kind of support. I tend to reach out more to females. I certainly feel safer in female company. It comes down to trust and my past experiences where i have trusted and my trust then abused by dominant males. I have no doubt but to experience caring support from males whose intentions are honorable will bring much healing to my soul. I trust myself , know the time is right for me to shine the light on this issue. I am in a wonderful position where I am in a psychotherapy training group, where i can explore this, using the males in the group, who are caring and supportive and whom i can trust. This will be a safe place for me to take risks. My heart longs for the connection of both the male and female energies to be in balance. I have lots of unlearning and learning to do here. Love and Light from me to you.

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    1. I do want to be clear that I would never suggest anyone override a sense of danger or uncertainty for the sake of the "principle" of learning to receive help. Many of us have had experiences that have taught us the terrible consequences of not following that inner knowing. Sadly I have worked with too many women who were raped by a man offering them a ride home (usually a friend of a friend) seemingly out of caring. Sometimes, later these women realize they had an uneasy feeling about it at the time but ignored it in the name of politeness. Even more often, we (men and women) have been taught to disconnect from our gut wisdom that tells us when something is unsafe- and the journey of reconnecting to that wisdom is largely trial and error (and so will include saying no where we could have safely said yes.) In this situation I knew in my gut that I was safe with any one of these men who was offering to walk me to the car- which is how I knew my refusal was more about my own default setting of I-can-do-it-alone, than it was about them.

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  2. Thank you for this touching text. More and more, conscious men are supporting women, and we have to 1. trust them, 2. accept for ourselves that we need their help in a certain situation, 3. accept their help. Actually, the first of my points is important: imagine only one of the men had offered his support, so you would have been alone with him on the way to your car. To be honest, *I* would have been anxious if it would be better to go on my own, perhaps his real intention wasn't so friendly as it seemed. So first to realize if I am in trustworthy circumstances and if so, accept trustfully, must be practised by women.

    Sometimes I'm so sad about all that's gone wrong between the sexes and is now so difficult to heal... Please keep going on, everybody of us.

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    1. I do want to be clear that I would never suggest anyone override a sense of danger or uncertainty for the sake of the "principle" of learning to receive help. Sadly I have worked with too many women who were raped by a man offering them a ride home (usually a friend of a friend) seemingly out of caring. Sometimes, later these women realize they had an uneasy feeling about it at the time but ignored it in the name of politeness. Even more often, we (men and women) have been taught to disconnect from our gut wisdom that tells us when something is unsafe- and the journey of reconnecting to that wisdom is largely trial and error (and so will include saying no where we could have safely said yes.) In this situation I knew in my gut that I was safe with any one of these men who was offering to walk me to the car- which is how I knew my refusal was more about my own default setting of I-can-do-it-alone, than it was about them.

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    2. Don't worry, your post has been clear in this point. Something else wouldn't work with the general opinion you are holding here.

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    3. Nora, hard to respond to "something else" since you leave it un-named. Not sure what you think my "general opinon" is or what you think "wouldn't work" about it- although glad my wanting women to trust their own sense of what is unsafe is clear.

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    4. Oriah, with "something else" I meant that you might expect me to ignore an inner warning voice. Your "general opinion" - as I understand it - is to be very mindful with myself and my feelings, so it was clear to me that you would never promote an attitude that forgets that.

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    5. Ah good- thanks for clarifying I am relieved :-)

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  3. interesting Oriah, And I empathize with those who have been raped ... this gives Men a bad name and makes life unpleasant for those who try to be chivalrous. Your honesty is impressive.

    I think it was the academic Camille Paglia who said something like "you can't have chivalry and equality at the same time" . something to mull on..
    Equality of respect yes.. Equality of strength, I think not. We have a lot of young Women going round trying to behave like macho men, and it can be quite ridiculous sometimes.

    I have noticed that attractive, successful business women can "fake" or exagerate fragility and let men open doors for them etc.. whereas University brainwashed young women are often immediately resentful/suspicious if you offer help. Can't we appreciate our differences - even celebrate
    e them ?

    "Sometimes I'm so sad about all that's gone wrong between the sexes and is now so difficult to heal... Please keep going on, everybody of us."

    so am I... its really quite sad, the war between the sexes, the legal battles, the using of kids as pawns ..

    There is a real problem in western society here... In the UK for example, marriage is almost a thing of the past, and 60% of kids grow up with a single mother. This in my opinion is not good, generally, for balance and self-confidence of girls and boys. And stats in the UK back me up : some of the highest rates in the western world for teen suicide, pregnancy, drug use. And a culture of teen thuggery.

    Ironically, we could end up being outbred and vastly outnumbered in our so far relatively open and free societies by people with a long-standing culture and acceptance of violent male dominance, enshrined in their religious law, honour killings of daughters etc...

    And all this because University Po-Mo feminists are busy creating division and resentment amongst the sexes.... in the name of redressing supposed "past ills" . Cutting off the branch on which they are sitting: Western Christian civilization, imperfect as it is. They should go and live in, say, Saudi Arabia and experience real coercion, enshrined in law... but it's so much more fun to be destructive and divisive from their (so far) safe perch.

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