Wednesday, August 29, 2012

My Mistake With A Vampire


We all make mistakes. Let me tell you about one of mine.

Recently I went unconscious for a nanosecond and picked up the phone even though I knew it was a call from someone who I experience as draining my energy (no psychic ability involved on my part, just call display.) Energetically it's a vampire-prey relationship (which I’ve been understanding more as I read Unholy Hungers: Encountering the Psychic Vampire in Ourselves & Others by Jungian analyst Barbara E. Hort.) I ended contact with this person a couple of months ago when I realized it was the only way I could not feel fed upon.

I’m not saying there aren't other ways to stop energy-draining patterns in a relationship, just that I could not find one in this case. I’d tried being explicit about what I could not do, being brief, making contact less frequently, only having contact when others were around, being open-hearted and compassionate, being fierce and direct. I’d looked at my part, and I’d had some insights. I’d understood what was happening and why, but the energy drain continued. So, I stopped having contact. I didn’t offer a lot of explanation (had been down that road many times in trying to shift things.) I just said (as much to myself as the other really,) “I’m done.”

We can all, at times, be unintentionally draining to others- yes, there’s a little shadow vampire in everyone, and yes, some folks’survival strategies lean more this way than others. Sometimes it’s a pattern in a particular relationship- as it is with this person and me. When we didn’t have contact- as happened recently when I was on retreat for two weeks- I noticed a real and sustained increase in my own energy.

No one likes to lose a habitual source of energy and comfort. So, I wasn’t surprised when the phone calls continued. I did not pick up. I deleted the messages. Each time I sent a quiet prayer for the other, that they find what they need and know they are loved. (Yes, you can love someone and know that contact is a bad idea.) 

But recently, inexplicably, I picked up the phone one evening when it rang, knowing it was this person. It may have been a moment of weakness or a moment of strength, a moment when I was too tired to think straight or thought I could “handle” it. Whatever it was, for an instant I went unconscious about what I know. Sometimes that’s all it takes to revert to old habits- a moment of unconsciousness. As we spoke I could feel my energy plummet as the other's voice became increasingly animated. It was very strange- like watching water being siphoned from one container to another. I got off the phone in seven minutes, and that’s when things got interesting. 

My inner critic went nuts: “Well, that was brilliant! Finally get the energy to write and just throw it away. How stupid was that!? And now the door is open. It’ll be a long spiral down into days in bed. And the calls will keep on coming. . . . “

You can always count on the inner critic to start catastrophizing. I was disappointed in myself and, for a moment, more than a little scared that there might be some truth in the critic’s dire predictions. I lay in bed and took long slow breaths into my belly, asking myself, “What is actually happening in my body?”

I could feel a dull sensation behind my eyes- like a black fog- and a heaviness in my legs. I realized that the precious feeling of being solidly awake and embodied that had been so vivid in the last few weeks had dimmed a little- where it had been, in the centre of my body, there was a wobbly feeling. The critic chimed in again, but I over-rode it, keeping the tone of my inner self-talk gentle but firm.

“It’s okay. I made a mistake. I’ve made this one before and survived and regained equilibrium. This time was brief, so recovery will be speedy. I am learning. Learning takes time. Old habits die hard, and new ones take time to establish. Being fully conscious in every second is not possible, so mistakes are inevitable. Nothing dire has happened. I caught it quickly, and I know how to recover from much worse. It will be okay.”

And slowly, I relaxed and moved into a deep, restorative sleep.

We all make mistakes. What matters is what we do with them. Brene Brown's research shows that we do not learn more or learn faster if we are shamed by ourselves or others. The shamanic path in which I was trained emphasised the willingness to learn from our mistakes, and one of the things we can learn is to offer ourselves tenderness and mercy, and then- we begin again with renewed energy and deepened wisdom.

Oriah (c) 2012

14 comments:

  1. Excellent! I made a similar mistake yesterday. "I went unconcious for a nanosecond" - that captures it. Thanks for reminding me not to be so hard on myself and to lighten up. xx

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  2. ... and only give our self a hard time, ONCE!

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    1. lol- not sure even once is necessary. The thing about these kind of mistakes is that they carry their own consequences so need to heap suffering on top of that :-)

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  3. Oh dear, I can relate. I have one of these too, except it's a member of my family :) Fortunately lately there has been more emailing than phone calling, which lessens the drain, because I am not energetically connected to her as much that way. And I try to limit my time around her, but not always possible. Those moments of unconsciousness can be real drainers :)

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    1. Yes, I have a family member with whom I limit contact for the same reason. One thing I do is write and send notes (by snail mail!) because I do want the other to know they are loved and not forgotten, but want to find ways to let them know this that don't offer up my energy in self-sacrifice.

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    2. I could have written those opening paragraphs! I am still learning to give myself permission to not feel guilty about limiting the draining contact. I believe my loved one's need is great but I must trust The Universe will supply other ways to meet her need - & mine. Thx for sharing.

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  4. A couple of things- I think people like this can be unconscious of their effect on others, and in fact would be shocked and hurt and even deny that they do that. Second, it's one thing if you decide to cut off contact (which can be perfectly legitimate, and I have done) but it can be trickier if it's someone with whom you do want to have a relationship (family member as others have said), just not an unhealthy ones. That's when it's so crucial to have boundaries. But it's HARD!!! I think of negativity like an infection- it's easy to "catch" it...

    Thanks Oriah...
    Mieke

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    1. Mieke,absolutely agreed- much easier if it is an option to step away completely. In this case the step away was temporary- there are conditions that make some future contact necessary and inevitable- and holding boundaries while still being in contact is the real challenge.:-)

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  5. beautiful written
    and so true...
    good for all of us to know and hear that we are all making mistakes as we walk closer to ourselves...it is the way

    love and light

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  6. Hey Oriah, firts: sorry for my english, now I'll try to express myself in a foreign language 'cause ypur post it's really important to me.
    I'm always feeling guilty everytime I decide to NOT listen someone,to not give to that person my time and my attention, to a person that I find oppressive or simply not good for me and wants to talks with me (a lot and about privates things). I become suddenly this though "maybe she/he ist simply alone, maybe she/he needs help,maybe I'm too intolerant". I live like a failure do not find a way to communicate in peace and reciprocal enjoyment. But in this way I become a lot of stress! Thank you for your attention and patience, I'm not easy to read! Irene

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    1. Irene, your English is fine (and much better than I am in any other language :-) I think your response to others is a compassionate one. The trouble arises when we do not include ourselves in that circle of compassion. It's more than okay to offer a listening ear when we have the energy to do so, but we do need to learn where, or with whom, or when we simply cannot do this. I would suggest that what we feel when we make this change is not just guilt (because we were taught we should always be available to everyone- which is impossible!) but shame. The difference is shame says, "There is something wrong with who you are" (not just with what you are doing)and always cripples us. Shame does us- and others- no good at all. May you find a way to include yourself in your own compassionate consideration. :-)

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    2. thank you Oriah. Irene

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  7. I so relate to this post. There was a woman in my life who worked with me so I was around her a lot. Her energy was so draining I finally had to cut the cord. In doing so, I lost a worker but I gained peace again. I love her and feel compassion towards her, but know I cannot be in her space. I went through guilt after cutting the cord and even had others call to tell me how much I'd hurt this person. It was tough and I got through it by sending her love and blessings. Great post.

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  8. I can honestly say I could have written this post myself. Your words ring out so true to my own. I've allowed too many emotional vampires into my life, including myself. Too the point that I need total solitude for a while. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

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