Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Heart Stretches

I spent the last two weeks in a cabin in the woods alone, doing my Sacred Pipe prayers daily sitting on the damp earth as the sun rose and the loon’s call echoed down the river.  I did a little swimming in the river- but mostly I wrote. No phone, no television, no internet. The silence was spectacular, the isolation was intense, the writing went on and on and on.

And then, I came home.

I’ve only been home three days, but it’s been a busy time of dealing with changing developments in the care arrangements for my parents (both of whom have Alzheimer’s.) There are questions. There are challenges. There is heart ache and frustration. There is a need for action. There are obstacles to taking action. There are accusations, abuses, lies and the opening of old wounds. There is responsibility. There is bewilderment and grief.

Compared to my previous two weeks, there is a flood of interaction, a constant quest for clarity and wisdom, continual use of electronic communication (or miscommunication.)

Taking an early morning walk two thoughts kept coming to mind for contemplation. One is an observation, the other is a belief that has been brought to consciousness. Both opened me to truths that ask me to stretch in my capacity to be with the other.

First the observation:  It is much easier to be calm, kind and forgiving, even when on the receiving end of difficult behaviour, whether mildly irritating or blatantly unjust, if we understand something of the story of the other. If a friend is constantly worrying about money, keeping track of who paid for what and exacting the dollar difference in shared expenses, it's much easier to tolerate her obsession, to be patient with her anxiety if I know she was raised in abject poverty, or grew up in a household where money was seen as power and used to manipulate others.

But often we don’t know the other’s history, the back story of the fears that drive them or the beliefs that shape their behaviour. (We're not always aware of this within ourselves!) The challenge is to hold the other in my heart when I don't understand why they are behaving the way they are, to know that in this moment they are doing the best they can with what they have to work with even when I don’t know what old psychological material or lack of resources they are experiencing. I’m not talking about taking or allowing abuse or injustice. I can remove myself (or others) from range when someone is striking out and/or sometimes step in and stop action that may cause harm without making the other something less that another human being doing the best they can. Now that’s a challenge – particularly when the other is swinging at you!

As I stepped out of range of a few nasty swings in the last few days, I also realized I hold a semi-conscious belief that if I am as kind and patient and compassionate as I can be with another, sooner or later the other will be kind and patient and compassionate with me. Sometimes it works. We human beings are very responsive creatures. But sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes we can be kind and compassionate and patient and we still have to be smart enough and alert enough to duck when someone takes a swing at us.

The challenge, the stretch is to be kind and patient and compassionate because that‘s the way I want to be with others (and myself.) Not to get a particular response. Not to earn consideration or love or approval. Not to stop the other from wanting to do me harm. To be compassionate for the sake of compassion- with no expectation of effecting change in the other, but because that is how we want to live, even as we know we will do so imperfectly, as human beings, doing the best we can.

Deep breath, . . . .  wide heart-stretch.

Oriah (c) 2012


19 comments:

  1. I can't seem to not get sucked into others pain, suffering, and anger. I find the effort to not react to them in kind one of the most difficult tasks I have ever taken on.

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    1. Oh, don't get me wrong- it isn't easy, and I often fail. But sometimes, there is a moment of grace and I can step into just letting my end of the rope in the tug of war go. Truly wonderful when that happens :-)

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  2. Welcome back Oriah! We've missed your posts, I know I have :). What a beautiful truth you speak of here - "in this moment they are doing the best they can with what they have to work with." It is difficult to remember this in the heat of an argument, even about ourselves. But if we do take a pause and remember this, we make space for compassion, forgiveness, patience, etc. to enter, both for ourselves and the other. I must say, though, it would be hard to "be compassionate for the sake of compassion- with no expectation of effecting change in the other." You have made me think about this differently. What a challenge for your readers! Thanks for keeping us pondering :)

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    1. Good to be back! It was a real eye-opener to realize I was being (or trying to be) kind and compassionate in the hopes of receiving that in turn. Understandable really, but I do think the task is to find compassion without hoping it will give me anything in return (except for the inherent reward in feeling compassion rather than separation :-) It's a practise.

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  3. It's so very true. Kindness is the only thing that can overcome, heal, change the world. You're an amazing woman oriah. I am so grateful for everything you write, and for finding your writing...

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  4. Thanks, Oriah

    For the loving reminder to be gentle and compassionate while also being aware. Your words are so alive. They touch me in my heart center reminding me of who I am and what is important.

    Fritz

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    1. Oriah,
      I am so saddened to learn that when you returned from a peaceful and renewing time in the cabin, that you were faced with these difficulties.
      I have found that when anything comes along to upset my peaceful existance that I am temporarily throw out of balance. It takes me time to get myself righted again. In all honesty I must say that sometimes it leaves a wound that even when healed, still leaves a scar that is tender and must be gently touched and placed inside my heart. But I go on. I wake each day, struggle with my personal challenges, and open myself to what my small life offers. I find that often the incident forces me to find a compassion, a forgiveness that is deeper. Yet I also find that I must stand up for my own point of view, although it is offered kindly and lovingly.
      My thoughts go with you as you face this difficult challenge.
      Brenda

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    2. Brenda, Well, one way of looking at it is that I had the inner resources to deal with the outer turmoil because I was just freshly back from retreat :-) I do feel pretty good today- seem to have recovered from the unexpected drama- and the social workers (God/dess bless them for all they do) seemed to have found a way around a combination of individual intransigence and bureaucratic rules so my father's care is being tended to. So grateful for the support of these wonderful women working in the mental health field (I am sure there are some wonderful men also- this particular group just all happened to be female.)

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  5. This is so true. I'm not sure how you do it, but you always seem to speak personally to situations in my life. One thing that's happened this year, thanks to your writing, at least in part and big part, is that I've somehow been able to access my compassion faster in situations like those you describe here. I have struggled with forgiveness for a long time, and then one day it arrived without fanfare. And now, in the current scenario, and I do know the backstory, again, it was easier to get to compassion than it's ever been. I thank you for these writings and send you blessings of peace in your own situation.

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    1. Carol, you know my experience with forgiveness is that it isn't really something I "do" - but something that arises when I can hold myself and another with compassion (which sometimes takes a little time to get to :-) I'm always a little confused when people tell others to "forgive"- because I really do experience it as something that arises quite naturally as healing happens.

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  6. It was wonderful to receive your post in my e-mail box this morning. The timing could not have been better. Thank you.

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  7. I relate to everything you were saying. We live in a small world where we are all much alike. To thine own self be true and Let go with LOVE , works for me.I have just dicovered your books and look forward to reading them. _/\_Tohi ( means Peace and Health in Cherokee )

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  8. 'You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to hold 'em. Know when to walk away. And know when to run.' ... The best way I've ever heard the concept of 'know thyself, and others' expressed ... and probably the best song lyrics, ever!

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  9. Speaking of "stepping into" that space that allows us to step back and forgive, etc.... I wanted to let you know about a book that I recently came across on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday series that I think you and your readers might like. It's called "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer. Here's the link to the interview: http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Full-Episode-Oprah-and-Michael-Singer-on-The-Untethered-Soul-Video. Enjoy!

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  10. Thank you for sharing the powerful reminder for acting in a way that your heart chooses to act - not from the motivation of an expected outcome but from a place of authenticity and doing and being just for the joy of it.
    love'n'light,
    Patty

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  11. Bless you in the care of your parents. http://www.cbn.com/media/player/index.aspx?s=/mp4/LJO190v1_WS

    As for the aspects that showed up when you returned: If life is a mirror and every aspect of life reflects a piece inside us that we can heal; what did you learn in your extended silence that can be healed within you internally?

    That is the question I am lead to ask you and I do not expect a response here.

    You had realizations while you were alone in silence. You come home and once again step into watching a lifetime foundation (your parents) shift into altered realities. In this shift outside of the responsibility of care where is the internal conflicts or battles of things left unsaid, where are you swinging at yourself internally?

    Much love to you during these times. You are truly loved and supported. Namaste'

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    1. Thanks for the link- sadly my parents used coconut oil for almost a decade- perhaps it did slow the decline- we will never really know- it did not prevent or cure the disease.

      As for all your other questions: all the answers are there in this blog. For me, life is not simply "a mirror" where every aspect "reflects a piece inside us that we can heal" - too close to solipsism for me- others really do have their own lives and choices that are more than mirrors of my internal reality. Facing very real external challenges has brought me great internal peace- the stretches are voluntary and do not entail swinging at myself. It is truly okay to do the best we can with what we have to work with in each moment.

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