Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Out Of Control

Since I was in my late twenties a circle of thirteen old women I call the Grandmothers have appeared in my night dreams. Sometimes, they enter my dreams through what I call "commercial breaks"- short breaks in the flow of an otherwise movie-like dream that momentarily interrupts the story to make a seemingly unrelated and often short, pithy statement.

One night the short repeated message was: "The desire to control is a natural human response to fear."

There are infinite ways to move into unhealthy controlling behaviour. Steering your car and regulating your speed to suit road conditions are healthy actions intended to keep your vehicle under control. Reworking your household budget daily, telling other adults what they should be doing in their personal lives (particularly when they have not asked for advice,) repeatedly saying you will do something and then not doing it in an effort to exert power over another are just three examples of the infinite unhealthy controlling behaviours we can come up with. (We humans are very creative.)

It's not too hard to see how fear could be the motive behind controlling behaviour. The tricky part is that there isn't always a direct or obvious relationship between what we are afraid of and what we are trying to control. Worried about my finances I may contribute too much "wisdom" to my friend's relationship situation. Fearing for a loved one's safety we may find ourselves organizing paper clips or monitoring our own or another's food meticulously. The anxiety felt can be channelled into relatively unrelated attempts to get some aspect of life under control in a usually unconscious effort to lower our anxiety. And really- sometimes, it's okay. Organizing paper clips is not likely to do any harm.

But the point of the Grandmothers statement is to help us release judgement when we notice that we or another is moving into controlling behaviour and remember that this is probably masking fear and anxiety. Knowing this, we can respond differently. Telling someone to" stop organizing the paper clips and sit down and relax" is not likely to be very effective or welcome. Inviting them to take a walk or sit down for tea might help.

Certainly when we notice our own controlling behaviour, it's time to ask ourselves: What am I afraid of? What is creating anxiety for me? Is there a way to be with that anxiety or fear, or a way to skilfully distract myself in this moment? (Because sometimes compulsively controlling behaviour just ratchets up the anxiety so putting the paper clips down really is a good idea.)

The Grandmothers are never judgemental. When they offer me something like this it is said in a truly compassionate tone. It's just one of the many facts of being human: when we are frightened we sometimes move into (largely ineffective, often unconscious and frequently annoying) controlling behaviour.

It doesn't mean that we have to always stick around when someone else is highly controlling (particularly if they do it habitually and are invasive) but it does mean that as we take ourselves out of range we can hold them in our hearts, knowing that they are most likely in the grip of unconscious fear.

It helps. It helps me to be more compassionate with myself and others, and that compassion often allows me or the other to see what is happening and make a choice to stop, to let the anxiety catch up with us so we can hold it tenderly and sooth the frantic voice of fear. And what a relief that can be, to stop frantically trying to get control of something, to accept there are things we cannot control and learn how to be with even this.

Oriah (c) 2013


12 comments:

  1. Good morning beautiful Oriah.
    Your presence in my life now is like that of a guardian angel. Knowing another pearl of wisdom from you was available this morning makes the start to my day that much more exciting. My good friend is often perplexed by her husband's frustration of her 'control freak' behaviour. She dismisses it as a 'Scorpio' trait, will often get angry at his label and leave the house for hours only to have the same situation present itself time and again. I too get annoyed at times in her company as she tries to finish my sentences, can't let me finish a story without butting in with something unrelated or can't relax long enough to simply let things be as they are as we sit trying to enjoy a cuppa. I love this lady, we go to yoga together, we share much and enjoy a spiritual perspective of life yet this behaviour i often struggle with. When i feel something 'press my buttons' so much that i think i may tell someone in anger that they are being a pain, i immediately look to my self, where i may be doing the same or how can i find a way to show her with compassion that her husband may just be right and stop running away from the confrontation. What is constantly making her not face a truth that will, if faced, certainly lead to growth for her personally and their relationship. I need to use the compassion you speak of and be gentle with us both. After all i would certainly take more notice and give credit to a friend acting empathetically toward me than one who may embarrass me with an unkind delivery. Thankyou for this insight once again and to The Grandmothers. Bless.
    Mari

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    1. Mari, it is my life's work to find skilful means when communicating with someone who is really pushing my buttons. One time I was to appear on a panel at a large conference. I knew that I did not agree with the position of the other panelists (and in fact thought some of them held a very dangerous opinion.) I sat up that night and did some ceremony. My prayer was to find a skilful way to communicate what was true for me without making the other "WRONG" and putting them out of my heart- but at the same time being clear and unequivocal about the problems I saw. Tall order. Lots of praying. It seemed to work- but it's a constant learning. :-)

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  2. I can't help but be reminded of the short version of the Serenity Prayer: The serenity to accept the things we can't change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. When one is compulsively trying to change others obviously that wisdom is not there. Courage of course has to do with the heart, thank you for that example of the conference Oriah.

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    1. Mark, I've always thought of courage as our willingness to let our heart/soul desire and longing grow larger than our fear. I think we move into controlling behaviour when the fear/anxiety is large and largely unconscious.

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    2. Yes, I'm not sure where it is from but that acronym for fear as False Evidence Appearing Real is an excellent reminder.

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    3. Mark, this always makes me wince a little. It is a good description of a great deal of the fear we feel (fear our mind is conjuring all on its own.) But it does not discern between that kind of common neurotic fear (which we all have at times) and instinctual fear that can save our lives. I've worked with a lot of women who were raped- and one of the hardest things about recovery for many is that they did have a moment when instinctual fear arose- telling them not to get in the car with their cousin's friend, or to leave a party or some take some other action- and they overrode it in the name of politeness or "I'm just being paranoid" with terrible consequences. Somehow we need to learn how to discern between the instinctual protective fear that warns us of very real danger, and the fears that are pointing often to past situations, wounds and beliefs that no longer apply to the present.

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    4. Absolutely, of course I meant to apply that to the neurotic psychological fear. The "wisdom to know the difference" certainly applies here as well. It seems to me there is a different quality to it as well, from my experience say being in a car accident for example there is more of a sense of immediacy with that instinctual fear of real imminent danger, or say being in a bad neighborhood where you might be subject to violence.

      To go back to your point about courage being willing to grow larger than our fear, I think it applies here as well in the sense that the true instinct is arising from the heart in those moments and it should override the fear of of not wanting to appear rude and such!

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    5. Lovely Mark- had not thought about how that applied to instinctual fear also. I think one of the differences is that instinctual fear initially leads to action (unless we interrupt the impulse) whereas mental/psychological fear often paralyses (unless, like myself, you tend to like to push fear away with over work! :-) )

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  3. How can I know if it is fear that is paralyzing me? I lost my husband to suicide on December 7, 2010 and can't seem to get back into the "normal" flow of life. My grief journey has been intense and I have sincerely tried to do the healthiest things to cope with losing my wonderful love. I work hard to be healthy, but cannot regain my emotional or physical strength. My heart is broken and life doesn't hold the same meaning that it did before I lost my wonderful husband and friend.

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    1. Oh Catherine, I am so sorry- and indeed this does not sound like fear as much as it does grief- and grief takes its own time in healing. How hard this must be. I would suggest that finding a grief counsellor (and I do know one who works with folks on the phone so if you do not have one locally please email me at mail@oriah.org and I will send along her contact info) or a grief group - sometimes the only way to reconnect is with folks who truly do know what you are experiencing. I send prayers for continued courage and for an easing of your heart, Oriah

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