Out Of Control

Since I was in my late twenties a circle of thirteen old women I call the Grandmothers have appeared in my night dreams. Sometimes, they enter my dreams through what I call "commercial breaks"- short breaks in the flow of an otherwise movie-like dream that momentarily interrupts the story to make a seemingly unrelated and often short, pithy statement.

One night the short repeated message was: "The desire to control is a natural human response to fear."

There are infinite ways to move into unhealthy controlling behaviour. Steering your car and regulating your speed to suit road conditions are healthy actions intended to keep your vehicle under control. Reworking your household budget daily, telling other adults what they should be doing in their personal lives (particularly when they have not asked for advice,) repeatedly saying you will do something and then not doing it in an effort to exert power over another are just three examples of the infinite unhealthy controlling behaviours we can come up with. (We humans are very creative.)

It's not too hard to see how fear could be the motive behind controlling behaviour. The tricky part is that there isn't always a direct or obvious relationship between what we are afraid of and what we are trying to control. Worried about my finances I may contribute too much "wisdom" to my friend's relationship situation. Fearing for a loved one's safety we may find ourselves organizing paper clips or monitoring our own or another's food meticulously. The anxiety felt can be channelled into relatively unrelated attempts to get some aspect of life under control in a usually unconscious effort to lower our anxiety. And really- sometimes, it's okay. Organizing paper clips is not likely to do any harm.

But the point of the Grandmothers statement is to help us release judgement when we notice that we or another is moving into controlling behaviour and remember that this is probably masking fear and anxiety. Knowing this, we can respond differently. Telling someone to" stop organizing the paper clips and sit down and relax" is not likely to be very effective or welcome. Inviting them to take a walk or sit down for tea might help.

Certainly when we notice our own controlling behaviour, it's time to ask ourselves: What am I afraid of? What is creating anxiety for me? Is there a way to be with that anxiety or fear, or a way to skilfully distract myself in this moment? (Because sometimes compulsively controlling behaviour just ratchets up the anxiety so putting the paper clips down really is a good idea.)

The Grandmothers are never judgemental. When they offer me something like this it is said in a truly compassionate tone. It's just one of the many facts of being human: when we are frightened we sometimes move into (largely ineffective, often unconscious and frequently annoying) controlling behaviour.

It doesn't mean that we have to always stick around when someone else is highly controlling (particularly if they do it habitually and are invasive) but it does mean that as we take ourselves out of range we can hold them in our hearts, knowing that they are most likely in the grip of unconscious fear.

It helps. It helps me to be more compassionate with myself and others, and that compassion often allows me or the other to see what is happening and make a choice to stop, to let the anxiety catch up with us so we can hold it tenderly and sooth the frantic voice of fear. And what a relief that can be, to stop frantically trying to get control of something, to accept there are things we cannot control and learn how to be with even this.

Oriah (c) 2013