Choosing To Forget- Or Not

Recently I heard a radio ad for a documentary about a surgical technique that might someday be able to remove memories that are causing ptsd (post-traumatic stress disorder.) I wondered if my negative reaction to the idea was simply because, with two parents with Alzheimer's, I am all too aware of the painful process of involuntarily losing memories. When someone recently left a Facebook comment that, "In the end all we have are our memories," all I could think was- if we're lucky.

Putting aside the brain's complex structure which may make this procedure impossible, I started thinking about some of the things that have happened in my life that have been particularly difficult, wondering if I would want my memory of them purged.

When I was a young woman I was raped, and it took considerable amounts of healing work to alleviate the suffering that my memory of this incident created. But, if I think about removing my memory of the rape, my immediate gut response is a resounding, No. I am no longer traumatized by the memory and being able to recall what happened- how I felt, what helped (and what did not)- has been useful in my work with women who have been raped. I know something of the territory they are traversing and so hopefully, am more helpful than I might be if that memory was wiped clean.

Oh, I am not making virtue out of necessity. I would not wish rape on anyone, and I do not think that the learning I gleaned from being raped is the "reason" (cause of) why it happened. This would be to claim something I cannot know. I feel no ill will toward the man who raped me at this point and sincerely hope he has healed from whatever darkness led to him make the choice to rape. But I do not think he chose to rape to "teach" me what I needed to learned (as a New Age teacher once suggested to me,) or even that a higher power orchestrated the rape for these lessons. I do not experience any such harshness in the Presence within and around me

But, what if someone is unable or unwilling to do the healing work needed to remove the trauma held in their body/heart/mind?  My father, having lost awareness of much of his past and present (where he is, who he is, who others are etc.) due to dementia has, at times, found himself adrift in memories of childhood abuse, striking out at those around him in fear. Robbed of the ability to contain or work with the memories that shaped some of his values and choices in life, perhaps he would now be better off without them.

Of course, I wonder if erasing a memory- even if this was possible and desirable- would necessarily erase the wounding held in psyche and body. Some seek and find healing for wounds created by events they can't and may never fully recall because the trauma happened at a very early age or has been repressed deep into the unconscious. 

For myself, I suppose the bottom line is that each time I think about the benefits that might be accrued by erasing a memory of a traumatic event, the cost feels too high. I am unwilling to give up the learning, insight, and strength gained from moving beyond survival to using the challenges that have shaped me to offer what I can to the world and deepen my appreciation of the life I have.

We are shaped and informed by the things that happen in our lives and, perhaps more importantly, by what we do with what happens- how we live with it or bury it, how we let it open or close us to aspects of self and the world. Would that be equally so if we could not remember- however incompletely or inaccurately- what had happened?

Since I am writing about choice these days, I would love to hear from you here. What do you think? If you really could choose to erase the memory of a particular event, would you? What do you imagine you might gain or lose? How does contemplating the possibility effect how you see your life? 

Oriah (c) 2013