Giving Without Resentment

Thinking about giving, offering what we have and can give without endangering ourselves (ie.- truly sustainable giving.) Even a small offering of time, presence, material goods, compassion, skills etc. can truly touch and lift another.

Of course it gets complicated if giving is somehow mandatory (ruled by an inner "should.") Was rereading Gabor Mate's wonderful book When The Body  Says No. In it he says something like- if you have a choice between guilt and resentment, choose guilt, because resentment is soul-destroying.

Resentment arises when we give where or when we either really don't want to or it is truly not sustainable to do so. Guilt sometimes arises for some of us when we do not give where we have been taught we should (and some of us were taught we should give all of the time everywhere!) Giving can feel like a slippery slope for some of us if we feel that in giving anything we are obligated to give everything. But it's not true, and believing this leads to truly unsustainable giving (until we collapse) or refusing to give anything in a reacitve effort to protect ourselves (which robs us of the joy of giving and the other of what he or she might have received.)

Of course the catch is we need to stay deeply aware of our hearts and bodies so we know what we can or cannot give without detriment to ourselves or others. When conditions are stressful it's easy to disconnect from knowing what our inner and outer resources really are. It helps to develop a daily practice that brings us deeply in touch with ourselves.

Resentment can also arise where we are making a secret (as in largely unconscious) "deal" - for example, offering something to another in the hopes that we will be seen, loved, appreciated, praised or rewarded for giving. This one is tricky, because we can't be more conscious than we are, but if we find ourselves often feeling owed or misused where we are giving, there's a pretty good chance that we are expecting something in return. Explicit deals (as in- you can borrow my car if you pick me up at the airport at the end of the week) often work for everyone. Implicit, secret, unconscious or implied deals are likely to breed disappointment and resentment. Difficult for people to hold up their end of the bargain when they didn't know there was a deal being made.

Giving without resentment is a gift to both the receiver and the giver and truly one of the great joys of human life when it is clear, clean, without secret expectations or a sense of obligation beyond doing what we can. It is our nature to want to give what we can where it is needed. We are interdependent with each other, the planet and all life here. No one lives without giving and receiving. When we are aware of how frequently giving and receiving are in our lives, gratitude for both naturally arises and enriches our day.

Of course for some of us receiving is a bigger challenge than giving- but I'll mull that one over for next week's blog.

 (Thanks to Debbie Devine whose FB post last week started my mulling on this one.)

Oriah (c) 2013







- giving other the gift of giving to us

-thanks to Debbie Devine for inspiration

Flowering Anyway

As I do my morning prayers and meditation I am brought- once again!- into awareness of the vastness of what I do not control and how much energy I waste in denial of this. Oh, I get that I don't control other people or the weather or many other changing conditions (although, of course, I participate in co-creating the world we share.) But the place where I keep hurtling myself against a brick wall (and then wondering why I wake up covered in bruises) is around my desire to control how things impact me.

Don't get me wrong- my attitude, my inner work to be conscious, my willingness to do what I know helps me maintain awareness (like my morning practise) - all of these deeply effect my ability to stay awake, to choose how I will respond. But emotions, sensations and thoughts arise spontaneously, often affecting me internally even when I am able to choose my external response. The place where I truly go into denial (and after thirty years with a chronic illness that has, at times, put me in bed for months, I am embarrassed to admit my reoccurring blindness around this reality) is in facing how things impact me physically, that this body-self has particular limits, limits that of course are not static and unchanging but never-the-less real.

My mother was always a big advocate of "mind over matter," (which was code for "over-ride your body-wisdom.") Of course, we know how profoundly the mind effects the matter of our bodies. But I have also come to see mind and matter as two possible ways of seeing one wholeness. Insisting that my physical body can do what it can't lands me in bed or the medical clinic with some frustrated and bewildered doctor asking, (voice volume just slightly shy of shouting) "What are you not getting about this? What can I say that will communicate to you that if you insist on doing what your body cannot you will end or housebound or bedbound or worse?"

What am I not getting? That although we have choices we are- I am- not in charge of a great deal.

So, once again I surrender to what is, accepting - albeit not as gracefully as I would have liked- my limitations in this moment. I accepted long ago that hang gliding and seventeen hour work days are not in the cards for me. With more difficulty, I recognize that there are very real limits to the assistance I can offer others right now, that they may be disappointed and angry or may not believe that these limits  are real. I surrender to the possibility of being misunderstood or judged. Because I can’t control that either.

My favourite card in the Xultan Tarot deck is “Strength.” It’s an image of a cactus flowering in a pot. It reminds me that at any given moment we find ourselves in a particular “pot,” a set of of conditions that may be personal and specific to us or embedded in the reality we share, things that shape and limit available choices. 

But there is nothing within the present moment limitations that stops us from flowering, from being all of who we are and offering what we are to the world. The form may not be as we had hoped or imagined, but unfolding and living from our essential beingness is always possible.

I want to use all that I am and all that I have for flowering. I don’t want to waste one bit of time or energy on denial of or fighting with present-moment limitations that are beyond my control. Because flowering, unfolding into the life we are given regardless of present-moment limitations, is what brings us joy. . . . is what heals the world. . . . is why we are here.

Oriah (c) 2013

Making Boundaries Stick

I keep getting this very strange (as in unfamiliar) feeling that I have reached a new level of. . . . caring for my own life. The form of this self-care is a bit of a shock. Feeling the preciousness of our time here, knowing what does and does not feed my body and soul I am actually finding it easier to say a firm but quiet, “No thanks,” to the activities or people I find draining- without judgement or emotional charge or any need to justify my choice. 

Now, I’ve known for a long time that a lack of healthy boundaries often gets expressed as aggressiveness or judgement (awkward and often unkind ways to push someone away when we don’t feel we have the right to just say, “No.”) In fact, when we feel we have a right to make choices in our own life, we can actually say, “No thanks, that’s not for me right now,” or "No, I'm not able to do that," with genuine friendliness or neutrality.

And here’s the truly magical thing: when we are absolutely clear within ourselves, the other is much  more likely to hear the clarity and, even if disappointed, is much less likely to try to persuade or cajole or try to manipulate or shame. 

If, on the other hand, others are pushing or seem to be ignoring our refusal, if we think to ourselves in frustration, "They just don't get it!" (where the "it" may be a limitation in our lives, or other priorities, or just our preferences) we can bet that at least part of the problem is that WE don't get it! And since we don't get-  maybe because we don't give legitimacy to our limitations of the moment or priorities or preferences- guess what? Others can't "get it" - won't hear it or believe it- either!

Of course, sometimes the other is just picking up on our genuine ambivalence or ambiguity about whether or not we can or want to participate in a particular situation, and our own "shoulds" may be muddying the water. But just bringing that inner uncertainty to consciousness may give us enough clarity to say, "I don't know right now," or "I'll have to get back to you on that when I'm clear about what I can/want to do." Knowing we are unclear is a kind of clarity in itself.

And our clarity about our own life IS the healthy boundary we need to live side by side with others.

Oriah (c) 2013

(Afternote: So, here's what you need to know about this little blog. I wrote it spontaneously a couple of weeks ago, and then forgot about it. I "found" it today. And I am posting it because I need to read it over and over. For the last couple of weeks I have had quite a few moments when I've "lost" what I thought I "got" about what I can and cannot do to the detriment of my body and soul. Sigh. Humbling really. But the good thing about writing this stuff down is that my momentarily-gone-to-sleep self may actually find and hear the wisdom I had, at least once, when I was awake for a minute or two.)

Loosening the Clenched Fist

It's been a challenging week around tending my parents' needs (both have Alzheimer's) but it made me remember this little trick I sometimes use when I recognize that I am worrying. Sometimes just noticing is not enough to stop the cycle of obsessing about possible worst-case scenarios. 

Mostly the "trick" is just a way to help me loosen the mind's death-grip on the certainty that disaster is bound to ensue and, on a less conscious level, the unfounded and erroneous belief that bad things can be averted by ceasely reviewing, anticipating and worrying about things we cannot control. The worrying mind is like a clenched fist wrapped around some preoccupation. The "trick" is to get the fist to unclench.

When my sons were young we lived on very little income, and I often found myself worrying about our finances. I am not talking about the mental work sometimes needed to figure out a way to take care of something that needs tending but the mental obsessing that does nothing but wind us tighter and tighter around fears of "What if.. . . ?" What I discovered was that no matter how limited our finances were, the easiest way to stop this compulsive monkey-mind-worrying was to give a little money away- make a small donation or give a little cash to someone I knew needed it. It was almost magical how quickly that gave me some mental breathing room and stopped the cycle of worrying about money.

I suppose it's sort of a homeopathic approach to breaking a mental loop we know is not doing us or anyone else any good and is robbing us of the joy of the present moment. The trick is to match the act that stops the spiral to the imagined fear.

So, if I am feeling ignored or badly used by someone (sometimes it actually happens and sometimes we just imagined it happened- and either way I for one can obsess) and I start worrying that I should have done something on my own behalf or have failed to take care of myself, I make a point of really seeing others I do not know, others with whom I will only have momentary interaction (and may be inadvertently treating as invisible:) I slow down and hold the door for a stranger; look a cashier in the eye and thank her; greet a fellow tenant in my building, asking them about their day and listening with real curiosity; send an anonymous note of appreciation for the tax revenue agent who gave me the information I needed to complete my forms. (True story- made me smile to think how that must have surprised someone!)

I'm careful with this- I was raised to revere martrydom I don't want to go into denial about feeling crappy or having a concern. And, of course, there may well be places where I need to speak up on  my own behalf or be more assertive. But what I am talking about here isn't about strategies to create a better outcome in the situation that concerns me. I'm talking about ways to press the pause button on the monkey-mind obsessiveness by doing something small in the direction of my fear. Fearing economic scarcity I give a little money away and the mind's terror loosens; feeling ignored or misused I acknowledge another anonymously and being invisible becomes part of the pleasure, does not interfere with good self-care or generosity toward others.

So, this week- imagining and worrying about possible future scenarios for my parents (and whether or not I will be able to meet their needs-) I offered to help an elderly neighbour whose family lives far away. It was a small thing that took very little time and energy. My parents' needs are real, and I am in no position to assume on-going responsibility for other elderly folks. But the act of offering small in-the-moment assistance stopped the obsessive worrying, reminded me that no one does this alone, that people everywhere offer what they can, that what can be done in the present moment is all we need to do. As the worrying mind was hushed by a small action, I heard once again the words of Arthur Ashe I often use as my calming mantra: "Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can."

The thing about the joy-destroying clench-fisted nature of worry is that it often cannot be stopped by either giving it free reign or by pulling away from it. The former just feeds the beastie and the latter just increases the tension and tightens the mind's grip on its obsession. And if it's picked up enough speed and energy, sometimes trying to calmly watch it doesn't slow it down much at all. But sometimes, doing something that echoes the fear- of not having enough, of not practicing good self-care, of being overwhelmed by the needs of others-  interrupts the cycle and restores perspective.

And for that, I am deeply grateful.

Oriah (c) 2013

Pondering Pint-sized Perseverance

Yesterday, just because the sun was out and the temperature was above five degrees (celsius,) I sat in a small local park and let spring soak into my bones. There was a little girl- about two to three years old- steady on her feet but clearly relatively new to all that could be accomplished once an upright posture is achieved. Dressed in a bright yellow jacket, blue jeans, and pink runners she was intent on her own activity, her head of blonde curls bent in concentration. Her mother watched from a park bench nearby.

Now, set into a very gentle slope that runs from the paved walking path onto the small playing field are two shallow concrete steps. The slope is so slight and the steps are so minimal you have to wonder why they were put there at all. Most folks just step right over them or go around them.

But to this small girl these two steps were an alluring challenge. Over and over she would go to the top step and prepare to jump to the ground, bending her knees, swinging her arms, her small body winding up for the leap to the soft grass below the two steps. She was as focused as any sky-diver. But despite her clear intention, each time, at the last moment, she extended one small foot and stepped down onto the lower step before making the clearly desired and more adventurous two-legged leap onto the grass.

And then she’d go back up the small slope, put herself on the top step and start the process all over again. I could feel my own body tense with anticipation each time she got ready to make the jump from the top step, could see the fear and determination in her small shoulders.

Suddenly, one of the boys who’d been running around the park noticed the aspiring jumper. He was bigger and older than she was- probably four or five years old. He raced over, paused briefly on the top step and leapt into the air with a shout of triumph, landing in a low crouch on the grass below.

The little girl watched him. Her forehead wrinkled into a frown, her eyes were serious, her mouth set in a grim line. I wondered if she would take the ease with which he had done what she’d been trying to do for the last half hour as encouragement or an indication of some kind of personal failure, a reason to give up.

The boy ran off to rejoin his friends, and the girl just stood on the grass looking at the steps for a few moments. And then she went up the slope and started all over again. When I left fifteen minutes later, she was still at it, still trying to summon the courage to jump from the top step, each time pausing just before the leap to take one step down. Perhaps she had taken the boy's agility as encouragement- clearly this was a feat a small human being could accomplish.

Or maybe she knew intuitively that each person’s “edge” where they find a challenge and must stretch to do what they think they cannot, is different. Perhaps she could feel that each time she tried her fear was loosening its grip a little more. Certainly she showed no signs of giving up.

As I headed back to my apartment to try and make some sense out of the note-covered walls (an attempt to organize material in the book I am writing) I thought about how human it is to keep trying, to find a way to do what feels important to us even if it doesn't come easily (and seems to come easily to another) or doesn’t hold particular value for anyone else. It made me smile to think of that small determined child in us all, willing to keep trying, frightened but eager to jump just for the thrill of knowing- hoping- that we can.

Oriah (c) 2013

Singing Your Song Now

I came across this quote by Rabindranath Tagore this week. It took my breath away:

"I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument while the song I came to sing remains unsung."

My whole body sighed a deep, "Yes."

In a culture where we stay in and return to school often well into our adult years (something I think is a wonderful priviledge and great gift) we can fall into endlessly preparing for the thing that calls to us, feeling we need to learn more, train more, perfect the stringing and unstringing of our instrument. Oh, of course, there are times when we need prerequisite skill development or eduction, and the feedback from a valued mentor can be invaluable in deepening necessary skills.

But what's that great John Lennon line? "Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans."

On some level, if we feel called to do something we deeply value, we may never feel "ready enough." But at some point, noticing that the days and weeks and years are passing, remembering that none of us knows how much time we have, we really do need to begin, trusting that we will learn what we need as we go.

This kind of quote keeps me writing, working on a new book when I wonder if I should be doing more research, taking another course or waiting until some idea or story is more completely formed. But I have been stringing and unstringing my bow often enough since the last song was sung, the last book was written.

There is some song that will only be sung because each of us is here. If we find it, may we have the courage to sing it now.

Oriah (c) 2013 

A Choice & A Request

I have the stories that matter to my unfolding, and I have the need to write. But it hasn't been happening.

I know that my next book's working title is The Choice. I know it is about my struggle to make the choice to really be here in this life, within this body-self (not the one I remember having twenty years ago or fantasize about having if I ever start doing the exercise I say I will,) in this world (not the one built on romanticized memories of what we say once was or the one we hope we will create some day.) It’s about the nitty-gritty of what it means to say yes to life on all levels, no matter what demons- inner or outer- are licking their lips, baring their teeth and eye-balling me like a juicy piece of meat.

My agent told me yesterday to dip my pen in the blood and start writing. He’s right- about both about my need to write and where the stories have to come from. There’s no walking around what has unfolded since I wrote my last book.

And that’s part of why I haven't been doing the writing I need to do. I want to write around and not through the stories of the last ten years: a downward spiral and periods of separation from my inner knowing and connection to Presence that I could not have imagined was possible; the agony of betrayal, separation, divorce; loss of my home and belongings; the realities of caring for two parents with Alzheimer’s shredding my efforts to re-imagine a childhood rooted in silent terror as something other than what it was.

Of course, there’s also been recovery and healing, deepening insight and growing awareness but these are most often less like once-and-for-all celebratory aha-moments, but rather like the slow and sometimes not-so-steady lurching, stumbling, falling and painful rising of a small mud-covered animal crossing a burnt-out forest floor.

The books I have written have all been the truth of the journey I was taking. But the story is incomplete.

So what stops the writing? The two things that always stop us when we know what to do (or at least where to start) and find ourselves paralyzed or distracted: shame and fear. 

But still there is (with the help of many and that which is larger than us all) faith: in truth-telling to dispel shame and allow us to reclaim our lives; in storytelling to mend what is broken; in creativity to allow us to keep walking through the fear.

Ironically (or perhaps predictably,) I cannot make the choice to be here fully in this life without writing the book I am calling The Choice.

So, dear friends, I am going to allow myself the gift of inconsistency in those places where I am easily and pleasurably distracted. I will participate less on Facebook and put up a blog here intermittently instead of every week as I have done for several years (or post only small snippets and not worry about how coherent they are.) I will stop answering the many emails I receive each month- simply reading them when I can and saying prayers of gratitude.

I ask for your help- and there is a way you could help me immensely. Publishing these days is dependant  upon "on-line presence," and the time and energy required to cultivate that presence makes it almost impossible to write a book. So, even if I am not here as much, I would ask that you keep both this blog and my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/Oriah.Mountain.Dreamer?fref=ts) alive while I write by "liking" or commenting on what is posted, sharing it with friends, and subscribing here (put your email address in at the bottom of the green column on the right side of the page.) 

 

Because the truth is, nobody makes the choice to be here fully in one small particular life in this big beautiful and sometimes overwhelming world, without a lot of help, without companions with whom we can sit around the fire after a long day of walking. 

Oriah (c) 2013