Tangled Intentions

There’s an old joke about a man who prays daily asking to win the lottery to no avail. Finally, one day, in the midst of his prayers he hears the voice of God saying, “Buy a ticket!”

Whether it is a prayer or a desire, a clear intention or a wish, we need to act in accordance if we want to give ourselves and the universe a chance at manifestation. Honest self-examination bringing to consciousness our unconscious ambivalence can go a long way in helping us see where we get in our own way. It’s best if we can do this inner exploration lightly, with some honest curiosity and as little judgement as possible. Let me use a simple example from my all-too-human life.

If I want to be well-rested tomorrow but stay up late watching videos tonight, I have to ask myself- What is going on here? Is there an immediate anxiety or sorrow that I am trying to avoid, or perhaps some ambivalence about bringing the fullness of my energy to tomorrow’s commitments?

Lately, when this happens, one of the contributing factors is simply discouragement over the "non-restorative sleep" that is sometimes a feature of the chronic illness I live with. That's the medical term for diligently going to bed at a reasonable time, sleeping soundly for eight or nine hours and waking up as tired as when you went to bed. In a kind of adolescent shoot-myself-in-the-foot-way a week of this can inspire me to think, "What the heck- may as well have some fun since I am going to be exhausted anyway!" 

If we can bring a little tenderness to what seems (and may be) blatant self-sabotage, we may start to notice when and under what conditions we find it hard to act in accordance with what we are sure are our clear intentions. We begin to see what are the real choice points in acting on what we intend.

My odds of getting a restful night’s sleep go up if I stop staring at any kind of screen by eight in the evening. I am more likely to do this if I have a great juicy novel on hand, do not eat anything after seven, and listen to wonderful soothing music as I do the final household tasks for the day. When I don’t want or manage to do these things- when I lie in bed watching hours of old episodes of Law and Order while eating salted cashews and gluten-free macaroons glazed with dark chocolate- I know that something else is up. 

In this particular episode of why-am-I-not-exercising-good-self-care I find that the only way out is to soften to  my own  discouragement, to allow it to be there, to hold it tenderly and offer myself the kind of support that I would offer another. "Yes, I may wake up as tired as I am now. But I know, at some point this will change. There will be restorative rest again. Taking care of myself before bedtime is something I can change, even if the quality of sleep is something beyond my immediate control." And slowly, I coax myself into the self-care I know helps me enjoy the life I have been given.

Because the great thing is, as long as life and love endure, I get another chance to do it all tomorrow- to clarify my intentions, to send out my prayers, to ask for help and take action that is in alignment with Spirit (within and around me,) in accordance with what serves life in me and the world.

Even as I write this I am overwhelmed by how loved we are- how we are held in endless mercy, how the generosity of life keeps giving us the opportunity to learn and deepen our lives, to forgive ourselves for going unconscious over and over, to simply do the best we can. 

Oriah House (c) 2013