Tuesday, December 8, 2015

For Eight Year Olds in a Troubled World

Last week, two stories about two different children in the United States popped up on my newsfeed at the same time. I want to warn you- these are hard stories. I’ll state them as simply and as briefly as I can, but there’s no getting around how hard they are. And. . . .there’s a hard piece of my own story mentioned here that I have not publicly shared before. . . which feels surprisingly vulnerable but necessary in pointing to what I hope would be at the centre of our motivation for creating change.

The first story was about an eight year old boy who has been charged with murder in the death of an infant. He’d been left alone with several children younger than himself including the baby, while the mothers of the children went out to party.

The second was about another eight year old boy who was in one of the houses in the neighbourhood where the police had a gun battle with the two suspects from the mass shooting in San Bernardino. When they heard the shots, the boy’s grandmother told him to get into the bathtub where he’d hopefully be safe from stray bullets. He did as he was told. He got into the empty bathtub. Then he laid on his side, curled into a ball, and quietly repeated over and over again, “No, no, no, no, no. . . . . .” as the gunfire continued outside.

I read these stories, and then I couldn’t move. I could barely breathe. Tears started to stream down my face as I sat in front of the computer. I wanted to pray, but the only words that came were, “Please, please, please. . . . “

I wish I could tell you that I was horrified by what happened to these children because it stands in stark contrast to my own childhood. But the truth is I was deeply affected because I know what it’s like to be eight years old and terrified. I remember feeling small, but at the same time certain that if I just tried hard enough- kept all the rules, watched for changing moods, was quick and smart and good enough- I could prevent the rage from coming at me again.

So, as I was reading I was there with these two bewildered eight-year-olds, terrified, afraid of the anger and violence of both familiar adults and strangers, trying to outrun nameless dread with frantic movement or a whispered chant. 

When I was eight, every night I prayed to God the Father and Jesus, not to take me out of there, not even to make the bad stuff stop, but to make me better, to help me please my mother and make her happy.

The hardest thing about being eight and terrified is not knowing if an adult who has the power to do something will see what is happening and do something to change it. So please, let’s speak and listen and choose our words and our actions in a way that lets our children- and they are all “our” children- know that we do see what is happening, and that we will do everything in our power to keep their bodies, hearts, minds and spirits whole and safe.

Because if love- not sentimentality, but love that asks us to find the courage of a broken open heart- does not shape our conversations and our choices, the world we create will look a lot like the one we want so much to change.

~Oriah House © 2015

10 comments:

  1. Oh - Oriah... I can relate somewhat to what you share. As an 11 yr old I was left to babysit my 2 younger siblings (8&6) while my mother worked. Given too much responsibility too young. How traumatizing it all was/is for them and for us. The trauma stays with "you", to be so young and terrified of life. I may not have heard guns, but many times I was terrified of life - feeling abandoned and alone, and unprepared for the responsibility. I still deal with this - at the most unexpected times, like hearing about a child's trauma. My heart goes out to you... Wishing you deep heart healing blessings and for those children too...

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    1. And may the healing be deep for you also. Those of us who endured private trauma can, I think, play a role in the choices about how to prevent the collective violence, because we are particularly attuned to how this effects children (which is sometimes overlooked by adults.) May there be real peace for all.

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  2. Abuse of children in any form is a horrible despicable deed. I always wonder why people decide to have kids when they can't cope enough/deal with their own shit. No, let's wound some poor young pure children who want nothing else but to be loved and cherished. I hear you Oriah. Even though I wasn't physically abused, the emotional abuse wasn't any better. Always watching out for mood swings of my Dad, trying to be brave and comfort my Mom who chose to be a victim. Who chose to neither stand up for herself nor for her children. My Mom and my Dad didn't feel they were good enough. My Dad was terribly abused emotionally and physically as a child, he was still wounded when he married my Mom. And my Mom craved to be loved no matter what as her Mom wasn't able to love her unconditionally. They were both victims and they chose to remain victims even when they were old and grey. I have forgiven them. No, I do not think that what they did was right. But they did the "best" they could with what they had. Does that suck? You bet! Was ist wrong what they did? You bet! Was it wrong that you were abused? It was! But you can't give what you don't have. Your parents or just one of them didn't have it in them to love and to cherish and to protect you, they "simply" didn't know how to do it. Yeah, it sucks big time! Maybe it is time and you are strong enough to FEEL and allow yourself to feel all of your pain, your grief, your wounds and cry till there are no tears left. Scream out all of your hurt, your pain, your anger, your shame, your guilt. Even though there is NOTHING for you to feel guilty or shamed about!!! YOU.DID.NOTHING.WRONG!!! You were a child that yearned so much to be loved and cherished, nothing more, nothing less. No one stood up for you, no one was there to protect you. No one cared about YOU. I care. I stand with you. I stand for you. I stand in prayer for those two boys. I stand in prayer for little Oriah and for grown-up Oriah. You are not alone. I can't take away the pain that was caused you. But I can stand with you and hug you even though I am very far away. You.are.enough. You.are.good.enough. You.deserve.to.be.loved. You.deserve.to.be.cherished. You.are.not.alone. You.will.never.ever.again.be.alone. You have all of this shit stored in your body, in your body memory, in your soul memory. When you are ready you can try EFT tapping, it helps to loose the shit stored. I love you and hug you. We will both stand for each other and we will both stand for those little boys with our prayers for peace and justice for those who hurt them. You are not alone. We will keep standing and intervening for those little ones who have such precious pure souls and we will stand for us. Because sometimes the little ones in us are still afraid and frightened. Let us hug each other. It's okay to feel what we feel when we feel it, all of those feelings. We are strong. We are enough. We rock. And we will help others to feel enough and to rock, too. xox Sabine

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    1. Sabine, so sorry this experience was part of your childhood. As for me- not to worry - I have done many years of wonderful healing work.I'm okay with allowing my sensitivity to how cultural or familial violence affects children- it helps me keep my heart open. I will say one thing about the "choice" question. It's pretty impossible to tell if someone else actually has a real choice about something- everyone having different beliefs, wounds, resources (inner and outer.) We tend to judge others based on what we think are our choices (and honestly, we're not always even accurate about that.) If we can (and it's not easy) best to stay with not knowing why someone did not make a choice we think we would (or know we did) make. Much love, Oriah

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  3. Thank you for sharing. Was a terrified child myself. It's seems so sad that there are always new situations for new children to suffer. Will it ever stop? Probably not, and today, I do my best to give love, understanding and support at the small place where I am. I'm a witness today, for my Inner Child and for others.

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  4. Nora, so sorry to hear you also experienced this terror. And yes, you are correct- it probably won't stop- although I do think as we build stronger communities there can be more adults available as allies to these children. Blessings, Oriah

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  5. Thank you, Oriah, for this lovely, thoughtful, clear-seeing post.
    I have been a terrified child.
    May I always be an adult who sees what is happening and takes action. Whatever form that action can take.
    May we all take courage and stand together.

    Bright blessings~pam

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    1. Yes- I love this Pam: May I always be an adult who sees what is happening and takes action. :-)

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  6. I, too, was abused when i was little by older siblings, which has affected my entire life. There have been many times when I haven't protected myself and, although I have been through a lifetime of healing, I am still vulnerable. I guess it is always presence and consciousness -- to be open and still protect oneself. Blessings to all of the children facing fear and to our inner children who carry that wound, yet have been strengthened in other ways by honoring our journey.

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    1. Sarah, I am sorry to hear this has been part of your experience. Learning to set healthy boundaries as an adult can be a real challenge if our boundaries were violated as children. May we get better at trusting ourselves- may we be trustworthy :-)

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