Oh I know what you're thinking: How could resentment- that nasty, sticky, often covert anger that drains us of energy and blocks access to joy- ever be a gift?
Well, here's what I've discovered: Every time I feel resentment about something someone has said or done, I uncover a place (and it takes a little work to drag this sucker up out of the depths where I've hidden it) where I've unconsciously made some kind of "deal" that I feel has been violated. Usually the deal involved me making some kind of sacrifice (keeping quiet where I wanted to speak up; taking responsibility for something or someone when I wanted to lay down and rest etc.) in exchange for some kind of reward (being loved or seen or forgiven, belonging etc.)
When these resentments arise around other people the first question we need to ask is: Was this ever an explicit deal made with the other? For instance, did s/he know that I was silent about being hurt by their comments so they would overlook any unskilful communication from me? The answer is usually, No. The other didn't even know there was a deal. Not that people don't sometimes break clear agreements- but I have found that those violations are easier to speak to (because they were explicit) and the feelings they stir are often cleaner and more short-lived than smouldering semi-conscious resentment.
Sometimes these secret deals (as in ones I often don't even acknowledge to myself) aren't with other people but with some kind of higher power- God, the divine, the Universe- that I am vaguely hoping will reward unasked-for sacrifice with things I know are not earned- like perfect health and inner peace for myself and those I love.
And I know I am not the only one secretly playing Let's Make a Deal with God. Recently, someone confessed to me that she was hoping that giving up chocolate would mean her house would sell quickly for a good price. She was a smart woman, but she gave up chocolate just in case.
Resentment is a gift because it points to something unconscious and gives me a chance to bring it to consciousness. When I bring a bit of gentle curiosity to resentment I discover unconscious deals made and broken. It usually makes me shake my head and quietly laugh. And quiet laughter dissolves resentment, lets us hold that small crazy inner deal-maker tenderly, reassuring her that she does not have to wheel and deal for the beauty of life with all of its inherent rewards and challenges. All she has to do is receive the gift of one small, spectacular human life.
Oriah House (c) 2014
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Thank you for such a deeply helpful post. This has helped me reflect on an issue i have been struggling for with some time in my life, and helped open me back up to hope. I wondered if you have written on gifts of some of the other challenging emotions Oriah? as I am new to your Blog and would love to read more about your reflections on the gift of various others - like fear, anger, self pity, jealousy...blessings
ReplyDeleteTrisha, thank you- so glad your found it helpful. I am writing more on this kind of gift (from emotions that are often less than welcome) for the new book I am working on, and will continue to share snippets here. Oriah
Deletewonderful...thank you for all you give the world Oriah. I will look forward to your next book, and the snippets you share. Trisha
DeleteWhen I first started to read this post, I didn't think it would be applicable to me; I don't consider myself a resentful person. But as I continued to read, I realized that it was exactly what I needed!!! I don't know that I've been resentful as much as hurt and confused when my "deals" were broken. Realizing that the deals were not consensual or even logical is liberating! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteInteresting- I don't consider myself a resentful person either- but I do know that once in awhile there will be a little inner growl or snappishness that momentarily arises. Sometimes it's about a broken deal that wasn't with the person I am inwardly snapping at- but another situation altogether (but somehow echoing the current moment.) And if the deals are not consensual, logical (or even conscious) they are bound to tie up some energy in our psyche and/or gut. :-)
DeleteI appreciate the gift of tenderness and care for Self inherent in this article. Beautifully said, Oriah.
ReplyDeleteThank you Brenda.
DeleteOriah, Thank you!! I think my resentment comes when I have a need for my feelings and desires to matter to a person as much as theirs matter to me. This post is a changing moment for me.. I will decide to take each resentment as a gift to myself and my well being.
ReplyDeleteTayla, well I can see how that would inspire resentment- and, of course, the broken unconscious deal is that if another's feelings matter to you, yours should matter to them. Hard when they don't.
DeleteHey,I always wondered with all your faith in god, that must fill some of the holes in your life. the ones that depression might have dug at some point in your life. are you depressed? I always wondered that. because you speak of so much pain with impressive amounts of passion. I know because I use to do spoken word myself and the only time I could ever write something decent was when I was really upset or having really bad anxiety attacks. but anyways, I just thought I might ask! p.s. I am a huge fan of your work. have been for quite sometime now! keep up the inspirational words, and spreading the word of god.Thank you !!!!Zoe Smith...
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Zoe, there have certainly been periods in my life when I have been depressed (honestly, if you have a painful chronic illness for 30 years and don't have some periods of depression I think that might indicate that something is wrong.) Having said that, and mostly out of respect for the folks I have worked with who struggle with massive clinical depression, I don't think I have ever gone there (although I suspect this is more of a continuum than we think.). As to the writing I would agree- it is easier to write clearly and movingly about sorrow than it is about joy- which of course, might then offer a skewed view of my life, since I tend not to write as frequently when I am have a wonderful time. :-)
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