What We Can & Can't Trust

In my mentoring work I often talk to people right after their trust in themselves has been shaken. A marriage has ended in betrayal; a friend abandons them in a time of need; someone is unfairly fired from a job. Inevitably, the person who has sought me out, says something like- “I don’t think I can ever trust my own judgement again- I didn’t see the lie, didn’t anticipate the betrayal, should have known, could have left, didn’t see who she was, what he was up to. . . . “

I know what they’re talking about. Three years ago my marriage exploded with the revelation of a whole new crop of lies from my then-husband. I didn’t leave because of any particular lie. I left because I finally got that the lying (first revealed a year into the marriage) was never going to stop. Leaving meant I would not be there for the next lie.

But how could I have married a man who lied about pretty much everything? How could I trust myself again?  

Many of us were taught as children that trusting ourselves meant developing finally honed skills in assessing the present truth and likely unfolding of any given situation: we marry someone and plan a life together; we buy a house we think will appreciate in value; we take a job we have reason to believe will help us provide for ourselves and others.

And then things we don’t control- other people, the economy, our health or the health of a loved one- change. Or new facts come to light that we did not know (or could not acknowledge) when we made our decision. And things unfold. . . . sometimes better than we could have anticipated. . . . . or in a downward spiral of challenges and heart ache.

And we wonder if we can ever trust our own sense of what is true again.

But here’s the thing: Creating and living a full life involves endless choices and decisions, and we're never going to have complete information about all factors (inner or outer) that effect the unfolding. So, while we can trust ourselves to do the best we can, it would be naïve to trust that we- or anyone else- always has clear discernment of all the consequences or all the factors in any given situation.

What we need to learn to trust (so we do not become paralyzed by the fear of making the choices that are ours to make) is that we will meet the ever-changing and unpredictable unfolding and make any required changes or adaptations. Because that’s what we learn to do- that’s the skill development and deepening of character that we can trust.

So, let’s meet the day knowing we know only a tiny fraction of the factors that will influence and effect how it unfolds, clear about our right and responsibility to make the choices that shape our lives and our world.

Because what we can trust is that this is how Life unfolds in what we are: spectacularly limited, brilliantly imaginative and astonishingly resilient human beings living together and forever inter-connected.

We cannot trust ourselves to avoid all difficulties. Difficulties are an unavoidable part of life. We can trust that we will meet what comes to the best of our ability, with all of what we are.

Oriah House (c) 2014