Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Making Boundaries Stick

I keep getting this very strange (as in unfamiliar) feeling that I have reached a new level of. . . . caring for my own life. The form of this self-care is a bit of a shock. Feeling the preciousness of our time here, knowing what does and does not feed my body and soul I am actually finding it easier to say a firm but quiet, “No thanks,” to the activities or people I find draining- without judgement or emotional charge or any need to justify my choice. 

Now, I’ve known for a long time that a lack of healthy boundaries often gets expressed as aggressiveness or judgement (awkward and often unkind ways to push someone away when we don’t feel we have the right to just say, “No.”) In fact, when we feel we have a right to make choices in our own life, we can actually say, “No thanks, that’s not for me right now,” or "No, I'm not able to do that," with genuine friendliness or neutrality.

And here’s the truly magical thing: when we are absolutely clear within ourselves, the other is much  more likely to hear the clarity and, even if disappointed, is much less likely to try to persuade or cajole or try to manipulate or shame. 

If, on the other hand, others are pushing or seem to be ignoring our refusal, if we think to ourselves in frustration, "They just don't get it!" (where the "it" may be a limitation in our lives, or other priorities, or just our preferences) we can bet that at least part of the problem is that WE don't get it! And since we don't get-  maybe because we don't give legitimacy to our limitations of the moment or priorities or preferences- guess what? Others can't "get it" - won't hear it or believe it- either!

Of course, sometimes the other is just picking up on our genuine ambivalence or ambiguity about whether or not we can or want to participate in a particular situation, and our own "shoulds" may be muddying the water. But just bringing that inner uncertainty to consciousness may give us enough clarity to say, "I don't know right now," or "I'll have to get back to you on that when I'm clear about what I can/want to do." Knowing we are unclear is a kind of clarity in itself.
And our clarity about our own life IS the healthy boundary we need to live side by side with others.

Oriah (c) 2013

(Afternote: So, here's what you need to know about this little blog. I wrote it spontaneously a couple of weeks ago, and then forgot about it. I "found" it today. And I am posting it because I need to read it over and over. For the last couple of weeks I have had quite a few moments when I've "lost" what I thought I "got" about what I can and cannot do to the detriment of my body and soul. Sigh. Humbling really. But the good thing about writing this stuff down is that my momentarily-gone-to-sleep self may actually find and hear the wisdom I had, at least once, when I was awake for a minute or two.)

14 comments:

  1. Dear Oriah, for most of my life I haven't established healthy boundaries. Or maybe I set them and they crumbled before my desire to be liked by everyone. But in 2006 when I began an 18-month sojourn with progressive and intractable Meniere's Disease, I had to set boundaries for which I needn't offer any explanations or defensive rebuttals. And since then, I've learned to listen to my body and to say "no" in simple friendship. And what I've found is that almost everyone respects that. How freeing. Peace.

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    1. Dee, ah as is so often the case we don't develop this ability until we really have to- so glad you did, but sorry to hear of the challenges you face with serious illness. But isn't it great how when we really are clear (and so can be calm with our "no") others really do get it. We get clear- which means we are clear- which helps other get what we are communicating with clarity and ease.

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  2. Beautiful, profound, so timely for my life right now... thank you

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  3. I know this so well - having great insights and forgetting them the next day. So I started to reread the diary I write to remember what came to me. At the end of each month I read the whole month again which is sometimes very eye-opening.

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    1. Nora, what a great idea- a monthly re-read. Might be good to do just before the new moon.

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  4. So beautifully said. I am going through this myself right now! But have found it so difficult to put into words. Thank you for reaching into my brain!
    Namaste
    Cas

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    1. Cas, clearly we humans are very much alike :-)

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  5. Oh Oriah, I really, really needed this one! Blessings. Nancy

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  6. very profound , its funny how we get caught up in everyone else's lives and all that's happening around us that we often forget ourselves. i too am learning to say no. No to many things especially that of stretching myself thin. So now i am learning to focus on me or trying my darnest to . The invitation has been such an inspiration to me .....i am trying to find the book here.

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    1. Danielle, thank you. The easiest way to find th ebook is to probably order it. Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002SB8QDM?ie=UTF8&tag=oriah-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B002SB8QDM

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    2. Amazed at how week after week your blogs are exactly what I'm needing to hear or going through. After years of a very unhealthy and unproductive relationship with my parent, I am finally beginning to build boundaries. Boundaries that once initiated, felt very foreign and uncomfortable to me. After some time, noticing the change and peace within my inner self from adhering to the boundaries I've set with her - I have found a newfound sense of clarity. Even after the clarity, there are times that I find it difficult and feel myself becoming sucked back in to where i was pre-boundaries. I too, believe it is important to keep reminding yourself as to not take steps backward. I will read this when I struggle.

      Kylene

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  7. I'm so glad you are here on this earth to share the journey with. I am struggling with boundaries around money with my adult son and his new family. I so need to hear your reminders!

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    1. Tyler- that can be a tough one. Just remember Dr. Phil's words (I admit, I don't have a tv but I once saw him in a hotel and he said this :-) ) "We teach other people how to treat us." Sending prayers for clarity, courage and clear heart-centred communication.

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