Making Boundaries Stick

I keep getting this very strange (as in unfamiliar) feeling that I have reached a new level of. . . . caring for my own life. The form of this self-care is a bit of a shock. Feeling the preciousness of our time here, knowing what does and does not feed my body and soul I am actually finding it easier to say a firm but quiet, “No thanks,” to the activities or people I find draining- without judgement or emotional charge or any need to justify my choice. 

Now, I’ve known for a long time that a lack of healthy boundaries often gets expressed as aggressiveness or judgement (awkward and often unkind ways to push someone away when we don’t feel we have the right to just say, “No.”) In fact, when we feel we have a right to make choices in our own life, we can actually say, “No thanks, that’s not for me right now,” or "No, I'm not able to do that," with genuine friendliness or neutrality.

And here’s the truly magical thing: when we are absolutely clear within ourselves, the other is much  more likely to hear the clarity and, even if disappointed, is much less likely to try to persuade or cajole or try to manipulate or shame. 

If, on the other hand, others are pushing or seem to be ignoring our refusal, if we think to ourselves in frustration, "They just don't get it!" (where the "it" may be a limitation in our lives, or other priorities, or just our preferences) we can bet that at least part of the problem is that WE don't get it! And since we don't get-  maybe because we don't give legitimacy to our limitations of the moment or priorities or preferences- guess what? Others can't "get it" - won't hear it or believe it- either!

Of course, sometimes the other is just picking up on our genuine ambivalence or ambiguity about whether or not we can or want to participate in a particular situation, and our own "shoulds" may be muddying the water. But just bringing that inner uncertainty to consciousness may give us enough clarity to say, "I don't know right now," or "I'll have to get back to you on that when I'm clear about what I can/want to do." Knowing we are unclear is a kind of clarity in itself.

And our clarity about our own life IS the healthy boundary we need to live side by side with others.

Oriah (c) 2013

(Afternote: So, here's what you need to know about this little blog. I wrote it spontaneously a couple of weeks ago, and then forgot about it. I "found" it today. And I am posting it because I need to read it over and over. For the last couple of weeks I have had quite a few moments when I've "lost" what I thought I "got" about what I can and cannot do to the detriment of my body and soul. Sigh. Humbling really. But the good thing about writing this stuff down is that my momentarily-gone-to-sleep self may actually find and hear the wisdom I had, at least once, when I was awake for a minute or two.)