Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Glimpses of Sanity

Sometimes the mind meanders and we are given a glimpse of the gifts in our struggles. This was the path my wild and wooly mind took one day this week.

I see ads for several on-line workshops all using the phrase “ideal life.” (As in, ‘Create Your Ideal Life’ and ‘Learn to Live Your Ideal Life.’) I wince, even as I consider what my “ideal life” might look like. I am disturbingly un-inspired, perhaps too aware (as a recovering perfectionist) that the ideal is often the enemy of the real, is what encourages us to pick at what is good until it lies in tatters.

Makes me think of a term coined by psychologist DW Winnicott: “the good enough parent.” Winnicott came up with this to reassure conscientious parents that they did not need to be “perfect” to ensure their child had a sense of being loved and cared for and welcomed into life.

When I was a child my mother’s response to the phrase “good enough” coming from my brother or I in response to any inquiry about a job she’d told us to do was, “Go back and do it the right!” For her, “good enough” was equivalent to “slap-happy” and sub-standard.

A memory from twenty-five years ago arises: I am talking to my mother on the phone, telling her that I’ve been diagnosed by yet another doctor as having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. I’m thirty-three years old and have two small sons. I also have a broken leg (in a cast from knee to toe) and a fever from a case of pneumonia I just can’t shake. My mother tells me the CFS/ME diagnosis is “ridiculous.” She knows what’s wrong with me- I just don’t want to care for my home properly, have "always tried to get out of domestic chores.” She tells me to “get at it,” is clear that my house-keeping is "not good enough- not by a long shot!” (Later I wonder and consider that my mother may really believe that pushing me to clean my house will render me completely healthy and filled with vitality. Sadly, I've already tried the Housekeeper of The Year remedy and ended up in bed for weeks.)

My mind flashes forward twenty years. Despite a great deal of therapy, shamanic ceremony, meditation and other healing work I still warn my then-husband that the week before my parents’ visit to our home I will be (in my words) “a crazy woman.” I give up resisting the urge to make the house perfect (and consequently feel like I am cheating on the therapist I have not seen in a few years.) I know better. Knowing better doesn’t help. I wash windows, clean closets, wax floors, weed the garden and do paint touch-ups on the corners of baseboards and kitchen cupboards. (I include this last detail just so we are all clear that I had crossed the line between meticulous preparation and runaway neurosis.) The scent of fresh baked bread fills the house. The kitchen sink gleams.

My mother arrives. I watch her examine the house as she talks about the weather. I hold my breath. 

And then it happens. For the first, last and only time my mother says, “Your house looks nice.” 

I reply, “Thank you." 

As I serve dinner I start laughing. My husband asks me what's funny. I just shake my head. I cannot explain. I have spent a week of my life, (although more accurately, years) exhausted myself and plagued my husband for, “Your house is nice." Seeing how crazy and silly this is, the inner door to freedom opens a crack.

And this small insight brings a great gift: compassion arises effortlessly when I am with friends or clients who are mercilessly driving themselves to attain someone else's standards in the hope of being seen, acknowledged and loved. I understand how we sometimes get hooked by values we don't share. I feel no judgement about not being able to instantly break free. I tell them what we all know on some level, what I also need to hear and remember: we can't earn love; we are loveable and we belong by virtue of being.

My ideal life? To recognize, receive, enjoy and appreciate what is truly good enough. Good enough for fullness of life, for being able to do what is needed and enjoy the moments we have; good enough for love toward self and others to flow with ease.

I fantasize about new workshop titles: 'Learn To Live Your Good Enough Life Fully,’ or perhaps, 'Learn to Live Your Good Enough Life To The Best Of Your Ability.' Or how about, 'Savour What Is Good Enough Now!'

Oriah (c) 2013

22 comments:

  1. Sometimes the work we do has a life of its own; one we could have never anticipated. Your transparency is pure, beautiful, and healing. The best part of this story for me is the laughter that came at the dinner table...I have felt that type of laughter many times in my life. I have read all of your books and I must say I love the beautiful intensity of your writings.

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    1. Thank you Hasandra- and yes, I too love that laughter when it spontaneous bubbles up and some insight is revealed with delight. :-)

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    2. Sometimes I want to crack open that laughter to touch it's wisdom even more deeply. But most times it gives just enough light and love to free us and awaits the next moment to teach us when the terrain is fertile.

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  2. Oriah! Having just had my mother and step-mother over here way too much in the last three weeks, I am very conscious that I have the same disease. But, worse than that is my teenage daughter...who looks around our small three bedroom apartment and spills venom, "Our furniture sucks, Mom. I'll never have a home with you again. You'll get a real house with real furniture after I'm gone. That's how my life works. I hate you." Oh dear. Page of Swords accuracy. "What happened to all the nice stuff you had in Los Angeles? In the pictures of the HOUSE where I was born?" Oh dear. It is impossible to explain how a rag-tag apartment is so much better than our Spanish Colonial with a view. No endless bickering (except between my teenage daughter and myself - AS IT SHOULD BE), no ramming against the wall, no slaps or grabs, no feeling of fear. But, it is what it is, and yes, I will probably only reach enough if I aim at it...I don't aim at other people's enough, and I pay for it with, "Oh dear."

    On the other topic, I read this morning that brain wandering is actually a cause of depression??? The study says that it doesn't matter if it is happy or other, the fact that we leave the present moment and wander into memory or future is what makes us depressed. Now, honestly, Oriah, how can we be writers or artists without mind-wandering. How to make peace with meandering. That's the question.

    I'm trying to avoid Facebook today so I can get some work done. :)

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    1. Ah teenagers. I know you know- this too will pass. You know the story goes that the Innuit used to exchange teenagers (as in mine would come live with you and yours with me) because they are much more human with others. :-)

      As to meandering- I enjoy it except when I don't. Which is only to say I love the way my mind makes connections sometimes and takes me more deeply into the stories that are living through me. And (althought this may be delusional) I would discern between reflection and meaning-making and just plain old distraction (although occasionally some of the latter is needed.)

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  3. Dear Oriah, this posting spoke so forcefully and yet gently to me. I had a phone visit with the counselor whom I talk with every four week and your topic about being good enough was part of what we talked about. That realization that we are lovable in and of ourselves, for our simply being, has taken me such a long time to assimilate and still I stumble and fall. The joy is, of course, that I get back up and embrace myself. Thank you for your generous thoughts. Peace.

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    1. I think this may be a life's work for many of us Dee- but then, learning to love others AND ourselves well isn't a bad way to spend our lives :-)

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    2. Dear Oriah, agreed! Peace.

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  4. Oh, the ability to laugh at one's Self! Truly liberating.

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    1. Honestly, I am a constant source of amusement for myself. Very humbling :-)

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  5. Spot on! I too laughed - at the image of you touching up the paintwork because your mother was coming to stay - I've never actually done it, but have seriously considered it! My epiphany as regards perfectionism came when I took up patchwork and quilting. For the first 2 or 3 years it made me miserable rather than happy because the quilting world includes "the quilt police" - quilters who set themselves up to judge the work of others and who demand perfection. Being a "good girl", I duly strove to produce perfect work and of course was inevitably frustrated and disappointed. Then I went to an exhibition of Victorian quilts, and noticed that these beautiful works of art, on display in a museum and much-treasured and revered, all had imperfections - some of them quite major and garingly obvious ones. But that didn't detract at all from their beauty, from the love and care that had gone into their making, from the enjoyment that so many people were getting from looking at them. Nowadays I love making my quilts, they're good enough for me even if they wouldn't win ccompetitions, and I've yet to have someone I give one to throw it back at me because the stitching isn't good enough!

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    1. What a great example- and I love the no-doubt well-intention but misguided quilt police!

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  6. This is my personal favorite posting, thing I have read that you have written Oriah!! I love to read what you write, so that is really saying so much. It describes my story. My experience with my Mother's visits, the dread, the desire to please, the falling short and all the psychological road kill along the way. And... I still love her. At 83, I am grateful for her diminished capacity to spot the dust balls and be so obsessive. It is a relief to see her stop the relentless drive for perfectionism, control. I see how fragile she is. I wish she could have taken all that energy and let it soften her and let us be close. Critical energy can kill. Thanks for the big inner smile, sigh and heart opening tears today. And Winnecots' Good enough mother' saved my life.

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    1. Alice - thanks for also contributing to this post. Oriah's words are amazing, and I love how you added to it with the personal story about your mother. "I wish she could have taken all that energy and let it soften her and let us be close" was eye-opening to me. My mother is 65-years old and I often feel as though I'm trying to keep up with what she and my family want me to be. I'm a bit of a black sheep in that I'm more open-minded and less judgemental than my family. My mother wants me to be more demanding of others and have everything fit into the perfect little box of how life is supposed to be lived... but I'm compromising by nature and my open-minded personality is what people love about me. I find myself faking things just to reduce the gossip and tension (e.g. pretending I care about something trivial that's important to them when really I don't). Anyway, it's interesting to think about how these little things shouldn't and won't matter in 20 years' time and that I should probably just skip ahead to that feeling rather than wait for it come (and defeat me along the way).

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  7. I stumbled upon your blog over the Christmas season when I was searching for pictures on the internet of PNW gardens. I am from Western Washington and miss my home horribly. It was not until your second or third blog (this shows you how much I pay attention) that I was calling up my mother yelling into the phone about how I stumbled upon Oriah's blog and that I was meant to find it (yadda, yadda).
    I came to your blog at a time when I had stepped away from myself and forgotten the way back. It had been ages since I had read the invitation. I use to keep a copy of it on me and have people read it. A step towards spiritual and personal freedom. I am so thankful that I have found my way back to a Lady who has been such a powerful force in my life. Blessings to you and yours.

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    1. Lovely to connect with you here. Thanks for taking the time to write.

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  8. Oriah!
    Yes, somewhere in the growing up I realized that I was trying to be the "Best Boy" possible to somehow please my mother.... I sure didn't want a spanking!
    The parallel was unmistakable. That must be why I read it and you wrote it! We liberate others as we liberate ourselves....
    Thank you for this one!
    Brian Logsdon
    Montana Warrior

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    1. Brian- We liberate others as we liberate ourselves- May it be so! :-)

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  9. Hi, it never ceases to amaze when that when I open this site, you have yet again written something so very relevant to me, in my time now, across continents and oceans. I have been striving to be "good enough" to be "accepted for me".
    I get the laughter, I often laugh at myself, though I do wonder if it becomes just a touch "manic", but I get that too.
    Thanks for you wisdom

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  10. Its so funny how you mentioned envisioning a topic like "living your good enough life fully" :-) . i asked a friend sometime ago if he were to die would it be fair to say that he had truly lived; the sad truth is we live in a world where we have lost the ability to live our good enough lives fully because society has brain washed us into thinking that what we have or have achieved is never really good enough we are merely existing ......we try to please and live for everyone and make ourselves miserable while doing it .

    So i have decided to do just as you mentioned ---- live my good enough life fully ; taking note and being grateful for the little things , spending more time to learn me and what makes me happy. I am learning to love with all i have and i must say my new lease on life has been taking me more often to my happy place and helping me to deal with the stresses of life better.

    I am Jamaican and we tend to say " no problem" allot so now i am truly trying to apply that statement to my life , not killing myself to live up to anyone else's standards. So this is me Living My Good Enough Life Fully :-) thanks Oriah

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    1. No problem so big that it can stop us (for more than a short time :-) ) from savouring what is truly good enough.

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