Wednesday, January 15, 2020

My Mother's Death

My mother passed away on January 7, 2020. It's a complicated loss, but I have received so many messages of support and prayers, I feel held in love. This has helped me sit with the grief as it arises.

What I've realized is that my grief is rooted in the sadness of knowing I could not save my mother from her constant underlying anger and deep unhappiness. I've known this for a long time, but I've discovered that some forever-young part of my being had not quite given up- because children often don't give up. They keep trying and hoping. As a child I would have done anything to save her. And I tried endlessly.

And now. . . . now, I hope and pray she is free of the unhappiness and the rage. I hope she is deeply at peace. I do not want her to suffer. And I want the young part of me that danced as fast as she could in the hopes of making her mother smile- I want her to feel her mother is at last, free.. ~Oriah

This photo of a sun pillar at sunset by Karen Davis at Open Door Dreaming felt appropriate- a soul-light flaring before it disappears from view,


12 comments:

  1. May love continue to surround you:) I had a similar experience 7 years ago when my mother passed. All I can say is that with time somehow I have found myself thinking more of what we have/had in common. But you're right; it's complicated. Hugs, Diane

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    1. Sending you hugs too from another Diane - in the UK! My inner child wanted to save my Mum too, she understands what that feels like even though she is not in your shoes with your grief. Its 30 years since Mum passed aged 57, I still grieve for the relationship it could never be between us. But there are times when I ask her for support and it seems a clearer channel to the mother I knew she could be - so she is free and at peace. I hope one day your inner child will find her peace... much love Diane UK

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    2. Diane (Keel) - it seems inevitable and right that the child should want to save her mum (even though she cannot) - and I am okay with that. It makes me think of times when my sons were small and wanted to do something that was understandable but dangerous and I would gently (but firmly) tell them they could not do it. There is a sadness around not having had a mother who was able to care for me, but I have had (and am still having) such a good life with many I love who love me that I can accept that as just one of the many things over which I had no control. Thank you for sharing a small piece of your story here- it seems there are many who have experienced something similar.

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  2. I'm so sorry for your loss *hugs* I so hear you about the complicated. I guess no matter how old we get, deep down we always remain a child that wants their parents to be happy. We would do anything to see them smile, I played the clown constantly even though I didn't really feel like it. The pain of the loss doesn't really lessen, it just gets more bearable somehow. Sometimes I feel my Mom caressing my hair as she did when I was little, makes me cry every time. Maybe your Mom and mine dance together on meadows filled with flowers and sunshine in their hair, thrilled to be finally at peace and watching us from above being proud of what you and I have accomplished in a life that was never simple. Hugs, Sabine

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    1. Thank you Sabine- I love the image of your mother stroking your hair. And yes, may both our moms be at peace.

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  3. Dear Oriah, I feel with you. - My mother was one that was full of anger, despair and hatred. There have been long periods when she even didn't want to see me (and others). I learned long ago that it had nothing to do with me and how to live well without wanting to please and to soothe her. I was quite surprised that one day in November 2017 I found myself at her dying bed, she was already unconscious then. We had a few precious hours together and I talked to her. There were signs that she could hear me (the nurse said so). I said everything I wanted to say, the good and the bad, and in the end I could forgive her and me. Of course by that my memories and feelings didn't vanish into thin air, but is is ... different now. And more peaceful. Like you, I hope that she is in deep peace and love now. Two years after her death, I saw her in a very supporting dream. I assume our story will go on until the end of my life (and perhaps even beyond, who knows).

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    1. Nora, thank you. And I think you point to the key element that helps us live with who our mothers were and were not: getting that it had nothing to do with us. Over the years I "got" this more and more (with the help of therapy) and then, three years ago, really saw how it had never had anything to do with me. It was very freeing and left me in a neutral place that I think of as forgiveness. In some ways, when we get this, the why of another's behaviour and choices just feels like none of our business. I am so grateful that that happened before she died- it makes the grief now more of a soft sadness than an excruciating pain.

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    1. Dear Oriah, I am sorry for your loss. I understand the pain. My mother used drugs and alcohol all my life. She died of a drug overdose. It was complicated. I felt the loss of the hope and dream that her and I would have a real connection. It felt different when my mom died then when my grandma died. My grandma had been there for me. She was loving and kind. When my grandma died, I missed physically talking with her and hugging her, but I felt like she was still with me. My grandma is a part of me. It does not feel like she left me. I also feel like you are a part of me and my recovery. Your love, your words, your posts, your concern held me when my mom died. I have heartfelt gratitude for you. You have been on my heart and mind, and in my prayers. Much love and many hugs, Cindy

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    2. Thank you Cindy. I am so glad you had your grandmother. Similarly my Nana (my mother's mother) was someone I knew loved me. Just today I thought of her because my tiny African Violet blossomed (she had dozens of them that always seemed to be in full bloom.) I miss her. Much love and many blessings, Oriah

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