How to be with the reality of someone lying about you? To others. Frequently. For years. Even after you have approached them and explained that what they think you did is simply not true.
I admit it- this is a tough one for me. Sort of graduate work in "getting" that what others do most often has nothing to do with me. And yet, we live in a shared world, so what others do can impact us.
This can happen in families, in groups, in communities and- if you have a public profile at all- it can happen publicly. What a challenge- to let it go, not to step into a fight that would shape our short lives in undesirable ways, to send a prayer for the other. . . . Okay, that last bit might be post-graduate work.
For me, it is less about reputation (although I am not immune to cringing at the idea that others believe something untrue about me) but the way it makes me feel inside- constricted, shaken, a little frantic. . . helpless.
Ah, there it is- the helplessness- the inability to do anything to stop something that affects me.The illusion of and desire for control arises- the inner child-like wail of, "Not faIr!"
lol- yep, not fair. That at least makes me smile. I sit with the feelings, I imagine creating space around the other's action and my reaction. . . . letting it all be held in something larger. And the constriction loosens, and I become still.
And then I write a little here as a way of sorting what just happened and sharing it in the hopes that it might help us all with our shared human struggles. (And if you think you've heard a lie about me please do not post it in the comments or send it to me. Lies do not need repeating and if it's one I have not heard yet well, I don't need to hear it! ) ~Oriah
This spectacular pic mirrors the spaciousness I imagine as the night sky. Deep gratitude to Karen Davis at Open Door Dreaming for her magnificent photography.
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Being lied about is something like another person's opinion of me or my motivations being way out of tune with reality. Of course my definition of reality. It's bothersome. Challenges my ego and sense of control. No solution to this. Just have to go around it... happy with my own convictions about who I am, willing to examine self if there's any suspicion I may be less than what I think I am. Happy Full Pisces/Neptune Moon.
ReplyDeleteWell, it is similar but not exactly the same. I have no problem accepting that some may have an opinion of me that is contrary to my opinion of me :-) But when folks share that opinion in a public forum, actually attributing acts to us that we did not do, effecting reputation and livelihood it's a little harder to ignore. Still, very little we can do beyond trying to address it with the person themselves. So acceptance of our limitations is indeed critical.
DeleteInfinite love to you and an infinitely warm hug:)
ReplyDeleteThank you Linda.
DeleteYou have put into words succinctly a struggle I have been going through for close to ten months now. Nt one lie about me but many by several who are flesh and blood loved ones and then the with holding of me being able to see my grand children as those people cling to the lies.
ReplyDeleteIt is heart wrenching and with every day I awake to the need to try to ground myself again in my real true center which is LOVE. Then go on about my day.
A challenge indeed- and with real life consequences such as loss of contact with your grandchildren. Grounding in Love- I like that :-)
DeleteAh, there's the rub....
ReplyDeleteWhen I am lied to, once my initial reaction subsides, after surprise, hurt, and disappointment, there arises an opportunity to chose an appropriate response - to take it personally (OW!) - or compassionately (AH...).
I've come to understand that reactions are not a thinking phenomena. In a manner of speaking something other than the me I know myself to be is driving my Being - at least temporarily.
However, once I've taken a breath and resumed the driving of my Being, I can inquire: "How shall I respond to this?" "Is there a way I can communicate with them in a manner that creates an empowering context for both of us, restores the integrity of our relationship, that renews our connection with mutual honor and respect?
Ah, there's the rub....
Paul, for whatever reason, being lied to feels very different to me than being lied about (to others.) The sense of choice feels more limited in the latter case, as things are happening that impact me out of my range of perception (although I might hear about it second hand.) Mutual honour and respect is always good- but we do not control the other side of that mutuality (and sometimes may not even influence it.) Being with that truth gives me a sense of calm- the choices others make (consciously or not) become more like weather. I may need to unfurl an umbrella, but there is little point in approaching the cloud for a conversation. :-)
DeleteOriah, those who love you, know who you are, know your heart and the goodness of you and will keep on loving you despite any lies those haters might make. People who buy into those lies are not worthy of your time or worries. I know it stings anyway. But you can't control what others say about you, you can only "control" how you react to that.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love & kazillion of Hugs your way, Sabine xx
Thank you Sabine.
Delete"Sort of graduate work in "getting" that what others do most often has nothing to do with me."
ReplyDeleteSoooo difficult!. I still keep falling back into the trap of 'If I had been or acted differently, others would not hurt me...'
How to distinguish between taking responsability of my own actions and the grandiose delusion thinking of 'I could make it alright, if only I did better'.
I'm hurting with you, Oriah, thanks for putting this out here!
x
Ah yes, the whole, "Could I have done something differently?" Not always a useless question, but it can quickly lead to us thinking we have more control than we do. I admit, the way I manage to be with the hard is to get curious about why it is hard. I love learning (although it's more fun to learn through pleasurable experiences. :-)
Delete