Thursday, October 30, 2014

Survival Strategies

I want to tell you something- a hard something. I want to tell it because all week on and off line, here in Canada, there have been conversations, arguments, and declarations about the truth or falsehood of allegations of assault against a popular radio host. At my last count there were eight women who've reported being punched, slapped, grabbed, or choked by this man without their consent (he is maintaining that it was all part of consensual rough sex.)

The part of this conversation that disturbs me most is that many have declared with absolute certainty that if the women were telling the truth they would reveal their identities (two women have) and lay formal charges. I’m not going to go into all the very good reasons why a woman might not want to be identified or lay charges, but I will speak from my own experience.

Many years ago, when I was a young woman, I was beaten and raped. It never occurred to me to lay charges. At the time my primary fear was that the man would make good on his threat to kill me if I told anyone. With good reason I did not trust that others- the police, the court system- could ensure my safety. Years later, after much healing work, I realized that I’d also been silenced by the fear that I would not be believed, afraid in particular that my own family (my parents, brother and grandparents) would not believe me, and I truly felt I could not bear that hurt on top of the physical violence.

There’s another piece to this story. The man who had beaten and raped me forced his way into my apartment a month later. I remember standing in living room, looking at him and silently praying harder than I have ever prayed in my life. And what was my prayer? That God or the Universe or any power that could help me now keep me from passing out (as had happened in the previous incident when he had choked me.) My prayer was that I stay conscious so I could fight and fight hard- hard enough to either stop him (and he was well over six feet tall and I had not yet done any self-defense training so my odds were not good) or force him to kill me. I was not suicidal. The decision to fight hard enough to stop him or die trying was my survival strategy because I did not feel I could carry another beating, another rape, in my body-mind-heart, could not bear another violation that seared my soul.

I am not advocating this as a survival strategy, just reporting on my own state of mind and heart at the time. Anyone on the receiving end of violence has a right to find their own way of surviving. This was mine.

As I sent out my prayer, the man grabbed me and threw me across the room. He stood over me shouting insults and threats, and then left. I don’t know why. Did he pick up on my resolve? I have no idea. The next day I found a room to rent and moved to a location where I hoped he’d never find me. Happily he never did.

I’m not quite sure why I am telling this story now- but I am trusting the impulse to do so. What I want to say is: any conversation about a particular accusation or allegation regarding violence against women happens in the context of our collective and personal current realities and histories of violence. If you have been fortunate enough not to have had this experience and not to have had a loved one who had this experience, please remember that the overwhelming statistics on this (which do not include all the unreported cases) mean that there’s very good chance that there are others who are reading or listening to any public discussion who have had that experience. It doesn’t mean that every allegation is true, but it does mean that uninformed certainty that any unlitigated allegation must be a lie says to many of us for whom it was true at some point in our lives, “If this happened to you, it’s not a big deal, and if you can’t prove it you should be silent.”

And I want to say: it is a big deal, and if it has happened to you and you are still living and loving, still able to open your heart to others and walk in the world. . . . you have shown great courage and resilience. And if you have not already done so, may you find someone with whom you can share your story, someone who will believe you, someone who is able to hold you and your story in a way that enables you to find deep and complete healing.

As I hear and read the arguments my head understands the culture that creates the controversy and the reasons for the debate. But my heart aches with sadness for all involved, and prays for healing and an end to the violence.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer (c) 2014

11 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you had to experience that horrific nightmare. And I'm sorry you didn't feel you had a support system that had your back.

    I'm thankful that I have never had to experience that myself. When I was a child, my mother used to be abused by my stepfather and I could never understand why she stayed. I asked but she refused to talk about it.

    Because of my experience with living in an abusive household, I have to admit to being curious why women don't report abuse and sexual assault more. Not because I don't believe they are telling the truth (I do believe), but because reporting it could save another woman's life.

    You can believe me when I say that if my child or grandchild ever tells me they have been abused in any way...I will accompany them to the police department to report it and pay for them to hide if necessary to protect them until the abuser is put away.

    Good post that I wish with all my heart was unnecessary. Good Luck to you.

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    2. (Sorry for the repeat- trying to get the link to work- you may need to copy and paste.) Linda, thank you for your good wishes. For the record, it wasn't that I didn't feel there was a support system that had my back- there simply wasn't one. If you are interested in why women often don't report this crime this piece might offer you some insight. It's written by a previous crown prosecutor who has seen the system at work, first hand. http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/sandy-garossino/jian-ghomeshi-women-report-sex-assault_b_6059124.html

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  2. (continued from previous comment)It's a long story, of which I will not go into any more detail. In the end I did break free and what I want to say - what I want to reaffirm - is that even in the most impossible situations - even in situations that, for the most part, go "unresolved", - even in situations where one continues to live and walk in the same communities as their abusers (or those that are in support of their abusers) - there is help. The world becomes a very small and frightening place when in the midst of such abuse. But help is there. The doors that seem to close in on us are doors that open if we only allow them. The courage it takes to see that sliver of light on the other side is nothing short of insurmountable - but it IS short. What makes it fall short is the courage, tenacity, resilience, fortitude and spirit of the human being that each of us are. It lies there within, always. What I felt was that the entire world conspired against me. Fear kept me there for a very long time. What I found in the end was a Universe waiting to hold me, to understand me, to guide me. That very Universe conspires WITH me, not against me. Today, I walk boldly. Today, when confronted with one of those people in the grocery line or at the pharmacy or walking down the street - I feel sad for what has transpired between us. I hope that they have somehow found their way, as I have, out of that world of violence and control. I hope that the same fear that kept us both in that circle of violence has lessoned in their life - if not left all together as it has for me. As I walk by or as I smile at them in line, I too pray for their healing. For the healing of our world. For the culture of knowledge, of understanding and of change. But not only do I send that prayer out into this Universe, I no longer keep silent. I’m not saying it’s in the cards for all of us to become public speakers against domestic violence. In fact, because my children still live in this area I have chosen to live peacefully within our community. But I remain open. Just like you have. When the situation arises, when the Universe calls us to be that sliver of light, we “trust the impulse to do so”. It’s the very light that could ultimately save a life.
    Thank you so much for this post. I spend a lot of time writing in my blog about my chronic illness (OneMomentOneLife.org) but I have yet feel the impulse to write about my past – until now. I feel a deep sense of hope for the person on the other side of that door, whoever she or he may be…

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    1. Theresa, the first half of this seems to have gotten lost in the cyber-shuffle that is mysterious and beyond our control :-) but I wanted I appreciate all of your encouragement and heart. Blessings, Oriah

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    2. (Here is the first half)
      Thank you Oriah. I imagine many of us will come out of the woodwork because of your words. I married what I thought was the man of my dreams at the age of 18. He was five years older than me and well on his way through Bible College and seminary to be a Lutheran pastor. I met him when I was 16. Maybe if I had been older I could have seen the signs. Signs that were mistakenly taken as love. Signs of disproportionate infatuation, control and adoration taken as care of me. Signs that should have been red flags. We spent 25 years together. Raised five daughters during that time and had four congregations. I developed and matured under this influence and because of his charismatic personality, because the communities in which we served all loved him dearly, because our families and friends all believed he "walked on water" - (as did I for many years) - I suffered in silence. When you say, "With good reason I did not trust that others- the police, the court system- could ensure my safety" I could not understand you more. After years of abuse, for reasons I won't get into here, I finally tried to make my move. We lived in a small town of less than 10,000. The judge for our county was also the president of our church counsel. Half the police department went to our church. When I finally reached out (after years of keeping silent, so you can imagine what must have occurred to get me to that point and what courage it took) the entire community conspired against me. The bishop of our synod "came to my rescue" and in a bold two faced move both silenced me and moved my husband up the food chain to a better position. The police records of my phone calls, of their visits to my home, of the pictures that were taken - all mysteriously disappeared. I managed to plead my case (with the help of an advocate from a domestic abuse project) in order to get a different judge, and they assigned a judge from the county next door. A judge who regularly went hunting with the judge in my own county. The two families actually spent Christmas together.

      I was silenced. Over and over again I was silenced.

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    3. Wow- when someone says, "Well, if she didn't report it and get a conviction, she must be lying," I will think of your story Theresa. Congratulations for surviving, for finding your own freedom and not losing your mind and heart against such incredible odds. Much love and many blessings, Oriah

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  3. Oriah, I believe you. Thank you for sharing. I'm proud of you that you were ready to fight. I pray for you that you will be safe for the rest of your life and never will be assaulted again.

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    1. Thank you Nora. May there be freedom from violence and suffering for us all. :-)

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  4. Oriah, thanks for sharing from your tender heart. The cultural conversation around this is so disheartening. As with everything, I think the best thing I can do is to show up consistently and with love for this tragic too frequent set of circumstances, on a personal level, and in my community.

    With gratitude,
    Sue

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    1. Sue, on one level of course, you are right- it is disheartening that this kind of conversation has to be happening. On the other hand, I have to say I have been moved by the quality of the conversation, by people actually changing their position (ie- assuming that if a woman didn't lay charges she must be lying) and apologizing on social media threads. It's a conversation that sadly we need to keep having. Blessings ,Oriah

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