Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Exploring Underlying Uneasiness

An uneasiness arises within me as soon as December begins. My sleep is filled with darker dreams; migraines pop up with greater frequency; I feel a tightening in my body and I have had small but alarming “cardiac incidents” (as the doctors like to call them), around the end of December in some previous years.

I know I’m not alone. Friends and clients wonder out loud about uncomfortable and often unnameable emotions that are stirred around the holiday season. For me, it's not about the expectations or the busyness. I gave myself permission long ago to keep the season simple- dropped what did not fit; focus on time with family and close friends; let go of all the family and cultural expectations that can create a real Stressmas.

But something deeper arises annually, like a dark underground river that suddenly surges and puts me on shaky ground. Having noticed this in other years, I am particularly careful to do my daily practises of yoga, prayer and meditation during this time, but the feeling I have is far from settled.

This year I decided to just sit with the feeling in an open-ended way, not pretending (even with myself) that I have a clue what it is about. 

The irony is that my childhood Christmases were relatively pleasant family gatherings- which is to say that my mother was nice to me at Christmas because my grandparents came to stay.

Ahhhhh. . . . and there's the source of the uneasiness: My mother’s seasonal acceptance and affection were seductive illusions. I knew they wouldn’t last, but I wanted them to be real more than I have ever wanted anything else. And while I played my role- kept all the rules, worked hard to be helpful- and enjoyed being temporarily treated like a Good Daughter, I knew it was a dangerous game that could tempt me into believing and make the return to “normal” excruciating in January.

When we have repeated feelings of uneasiness for no apparent reason, there’s a good chance that some (usually unconscious) part of us has a foot on the gas and is shouting, "Yes!" while another, equally unconscious aspect (perhaps having learned from previous experience) is slamming on the brakes and yelling, "Don't go there!"

The annual uneasiness in my body is an echo of  the power and the danger of the seasonal seduction that played out in my childhood home. My nervous system goes on alert, anticipates the bait-and-switch of childhood.

There maybe more. I’ll continue the open-ended inquiry throughout the season if and when the feeling arises because even this small revelation feels like it has lifted some kind of burden, made the season much lighter for myself.

Awareness, while not always easy, brings its own reward – greater freedom to be with and appreciate my life as it is now. And for this I am deeply grateful.

Oriah (c) 2013

15 comments:

  1. I resonate with this, thank you for bringing it out in the open for me [at least] I had a very difficult childhood with underlying threats at Christmas [Father drinking too much, becoming verbally abusive etc.] I've never felt "safe" during December. My daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumour in 1989 on the 23rd of this month and although I have accepted her passing a long time ago, things have been difficult since, but also a sense of something deeper rooted that went way back before her untimely passing, yes my unconscious has definitely slammed the brakes pretty hard over the years...................Thank you

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    1. Oh Kimmy- no wonder this season would not feel safe for you. I am so sorry to hear of your daughter's passing- although it was ago I cannot imagine it is not still an inner ache, particularly at this time of year. Sending prayers for an easing of your heart. May you treat yourselves with tenderness particularly at this time of year, Oriah

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  2. Again you sent me what I need. I am overcome with Gratitude.
    Christmas is my most painful season and starting today I will explore journaling why. Thank you my friend.

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    1. So glad this was helpful- may you find some peace in the season.

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  3. Thank you so much for eloquently putting into words to some of what I feel as well. I think, for me, also I missed my entire family ever since I came to the US at the age of 7, when my parents just went nuts. I grew up with great anxiety and violence after that. There's a part of me that always grieves the holidays (loss of extended family + immediate family) and a part which is still healing from all the trauma as well as the huge-spirited-child-me which wanted to fix things at home...create peace in my family, which never happened. So I am left to learn to create peace within and for myself.

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    1. I have to tell you- although I hear and resonate with the pain that arises in this season for you, I laughed out loud at your honest, straightforward (and no doubt accurate) assessment of the situation when you were 7 as "when my parents just went nuts." It happens- and it is hell for the young child who has no control over his or her situation. Helpful sometimes to just say it like it is without diagnostic labels or explanations. :-)

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  4. The part of the Christmas Season which I love is the Christmas Carols. In my Church groups we used to go caroling at the local nursing homes and then met at the minister's home to drink hot cider and listen to folk music. I remember the song Hear Comes Santa Claus and somehow I associate this song with a young girl I once saw who had to have assisted breathing in an "Iron Long". I always worry about the children who can not get a gift for Christmas and how they might feel when no one, not even Santa, remembers them.

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    1. John, me too! Was part of a choir that sang at nursing homes and still love the carols. :-) I remember Oprah telling a story about the nuns who came to her home with food and gifts one Christmas and how relieved she was as a child- not so much to get a gift but to have something for show-and-tell when school resumed so she would not be shamed re: not getting anything. Amazing how a small act can really impact another.

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  5. Thank you :) I feel the same way at this time of the year but, although I have read your books, followed your blog and your poem the invitation literally changed my life... I am still very closed. I think I am still afraid of what may surface if I let go and that I WILL not be able to come back from it. It also doesn't help that I feel so alone with this journey. I am told it is hocus pocus.. Thank you for making me NOT feel alone <3

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    1. Val, if you have a look at the Oriah Mountain Dreamer thread on FB from yesterday (where I posted this blog) you will get a clear sense of how not alone you are. Honestly, I do not think we heal from these things without help- and am very grateful to the many teachers and therapists and healers who have worked with me. May you find the support you need to gently open.

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  6. Wow, what a beautifully written post. This really brings so much up for me and reminds me to accept and not be alarmed by my own sense of unease I have felt this Holiday season.

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  7. Dear Oriah,

    I feel your pain as a little girl wanting things to continue being better, but knowing they won't be. Looking more closely as you have bravely done is the first step in transformation, in healing. You sense that a bit of the burden has lifted, carried on the wings of Angels.

    You are painting a new picture of how things can be at Christmas.
    What do you see? It really can be different, lighter and with a sense of freedom.

    You deserve to be held in the arms of love by those who care about you now. I care.

    Love and blessings,

    Fritz

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    1. Oh my goodness Fritz- after 30 years of therapy and shamanic healing I hope this isn't the FIRST step- lol :-) But yes, the healing continues to deepen and I appreciate all of your good wishes. Christmas has been for quite some time a lovely way to be with my sons and my friends. It's the flashbacks to old hopes that cause a twinge- but that's okay too. Blessings, oriah

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  8. For many people the holiday season can be heavy with emotion, for some a time of great loss and sad memories. For most a time of heightened expectation trying to achieve the Norman Rockwell picture. For many years for me it was a time of great sadness having lost 2 children in a custody battle to a violent ex husband. I have learned that you have to deal with what is and create new memories when we are given the opportunity. I no longer worry about creating the perfect picture and instead choose gratitude in all things. My youngest son a few years ago taught me the joy of buying toys for kids and taking names from the Angel tree. He had just started his working life as an adult and all he wanted was for every child to have a gift for Christmas. I was humbled.

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    1. Lynda, so sorry to hear that you have had the heartache of losing custody. Yes, there are many things that are not in our control- and trying to control the uncontrollable creates suffering. Human beings have incredible reslience as well as the ability to hold it all simultaneously with tenderness- the sadness and the gratitude, the sorrow and the joy. Leaving no part of ourselves behind we can dwell in the wholeness of what it means to be human.

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