My morning prayers contain a word or two about wanting. I ask to know what is needed in the situations that arise today and to
follow my deepest soul-desires in choosing how to be with or meet those needs
as I am able. That covers needs and desires. But I also say a prayer to come
“into right relationship” with my wants- which is to say, to bring them to
consciousness, to neither deny nor be led around by the nose by wanting.
I use the word wanting to point to the kind of
must-have-this feeling that involves attachment to specific results. When I
start wanting things to be a certain way (within myself, in the world or with
another) I’m generally headed for some frantic trying (during which I can
become a menace to myself and others) or painful disappointment, or both.
I try to avoid judging my wanting when it arises, knowing
that this is likely to shove it down into my unconscious where it can wreck
havoc in my life. Awareness at least gives me a shot at not allowing my wanting
to create suffering for myself or others. And, knowing that wanting can be a
powerful and persuasive force I’d like to enlist its mojo in doing those things
that I know make my life healthy and balanced.
I'm currently doing a meditation program designed for folks
who have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (and ME or FM.) It has helped
some restore their energy. I want
this. A lot. But (and this is a Big But) I cannot do the meditations driven by
and focused on understandably wanting health and vitality. It won’t
work. I can’t try harder to unhook from inner neurological loops of hyper-vigilance
around physical symptoms (that create an adrenaline cycle that deepens symptoms.)
I can let the energy of my wanting fuel my willingness to go to this program
every day, but then I must gently put aside the attachment to specific and
speedy results.
So far, this use of the passion of wanting while letting go
of the object of wanting seems to be helping me keep me on track, which is why
my prayer is not to abolish wanting, (something I doubt is possible in human beings except for moments and by grace) but come into right relationship with this
powerful energy.
Years ago, I remember hearing Jann Arden sing “Good Mother,”
and belt out with deep longing, “I’ve never wanted anything so bad. . . .” At
the time, the line made my eyes fill unexpectedly with tears because I had
separated myself from my own needs, wants, and desires on every level to
tolerate staying in my marriage.
I wanted to want something- anything- just to know
I was still alive.
Maybe that’s why I don’t want to suppress or ignore the
power of wanting, even though I know the pitfalls and suffering that can be
created by being attached to having things a certain way. It’s a little like
using the power of fire- you must be mindful or you risk getting burned, but there’s
nothing like it for life-sustaining warmth on a cold dark night.
Oriah House (c) 2013
Posts
I first discovered one of your books in a discount bin at a Barnes and Noble. I was with my best, and we were about to check out. It caught both of our eyes. The Invitation became our mantra, a gift we could give each other whenever heartache or pain seemed overbearing.
ReplyDeleteIt can surprise me the number of times I let myself slip out of a situation, to nurture someone else. The willingness to set aside a personal attachment for the sake of another's want has been my burden, often not recognizing how lost I have become until the situation has gone beyond recovery.
To want yourself is an earnest ache. And anytime I read the Invitation, I am reminded to take care of myself, too.
So thank you. I look forward to reading your weekly blog.
Thank you Maquel. "To want yourself is an earnest ache." Lovely!
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