Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Pitfalls of Spiritual Cheerleading

I’m not a fan of pithy capitalized slogans presented as complete and helpful truths instead of mere titles. It’s not that “Live Your BIG Dreams” is an unworthy goal, (although I suspect dreams qualified as BIG in a extroverted consumer culture may not be in alignment with my values) but I always want to ask: What does that mean- look like, feel like, taste like- in one particular human life?

When my sons were small I was ill for many months. Mostly I laid on the living room carpet with these two wonderful beings in my care so I wouldn’t have far to fall and couldn’t drop anyone when I was momentarily dizzy. I didn’t need to Dream BIG. I need a bath and a twelve hour nap. I was overflowing with and soaked in love (and breast milk and spit-up and baby pee.) I needed to find ways to get groceries, do a load of laundry and calm my fears that I’d be incapacitated by illness and exhaustion forever.

Because I’ve been writing a book about choice, I’m particularly aware of how often “Choice” features in many popular slogans: Happiness Is A Choice; Love Is A Choice; Forgiveness Is A Choice; Gratitude Is A Choice. . . . the list is endless. Most often I want to ask: Is it? Is it in this moment for everyone? Is it always?

Now, I get the point of these snappy declarations- they’re trying to encourage us to make choices that result in and come from love and forgiveness and other good stuff. But even that gives them too much credit. They don’t say: “Making Choices That Cultivate Happiness Is (Often) An Option”- they say, “Happiness Is A Choice”- as if you could just give yourself a smack on the forehead and remember that you forgot to turn on the happiness faucet this morning. This is at best misleading and at worst a potential cause for increased suffering as it tempts us to believe that our or another's unhappiness is actively and consciously "chosen" and therefore deserved.

In my work with individuals I often hear the “should” of inner and outer judgement planted by these sayings. People doing their best to deal with painful illnesses, trauma, and heart-breaking losses tell me again and again that they “should” be able to do better, be happier, to let go of fear, or sorrow and "get over" what is happening "faster." It makes my heart ache to hear the coals of suffering heaped on top of what is often real pain.

Can we make choices that will cultivate fear or happiness?

Often, yes. And sometimes we're swept along by pain, or grief, or fear, or unconscious material (which by definition isn’t accessible to choice until it is brought to consciousness.) Of course sometimes we can make choices- to do inner work, to be with those who support us, to ask for help, to take good care of ourselves- that will expand our ability to cultivate happiness, forgiveness and gratitude, make us more available to love. But the assertion that it's just a matter of choosing to be a certain way can prompt us to shove experiences that don’t align with this assumption (our moments of feeling unhappy, unforgiving or ungrateful) into our unconscious where they shape and limit our choices without us even knowing it is happening.

It can be scary to simply sit with the fact that in any given moment real choices are shaped and sometimes limited by inner and outer conditions. Of course, conditions change- and we can actively choose to change or work toward changing many of them- and this can expand and deepen the real choices we have. 

But, in the meantime (which is to say- while we’re still human beings) perhaps we could step away from pretending to know more than we can possibly know about another’s real available choices, can give each other and ourselves a little credit for doing the best we can with what we have to work with in this moment. In the next moment we may offer or be offered or make a choice that will give us or someone else more to work with, and we’ll do the best we can with that.  

I’m just sayin’: 

Not Pretending We Are In Complete & Conscious Control Of Absolutely EVERYTHING- Is A Choice!

Oriah (c) 2013

25 comments:

  1. Thank you for this reminder to be gentle with ourselves!

    One question I was hoping you might shed light on - when you refer to "inner work" how does that manifest in your life? When I hear that I think of therapy, but I'm wondering if you also mean meditation or prayer. I ask because I've recently begun to think that I'm not giving enough attention to my "inner work" and I'd like to do so.

    Thanks for any additional insight!

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    1. Great question Amy- thanks. Inner work is any kind of activity that helps me pay attention to and deepen my understanding of what is happening within myself. So that includes (but is not limited to)- prayer, meditation, yoga, mindful walking, creative expression (writing, painting etc.) journaling, therapy, ceremony,recording and contemplating my dreams, body work. . . . in fact anything we do mindfully (dance, listening to music etc.) can open our awareness of what is happenign within.

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    2. Sometimes inner work is doing nothing but just paying attention.

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    3. lol- Hasandra- the word "just" in that sentence is what my friend Peter would call a "weasel word"- meaning it implies something small and easy when paying attention is neither. All of the examples I give are ways to pay attention deeply- and it helps to have a whole variety of ways to practice doing this as it is so very easy not to pay attention. :-)

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    4. Thank you both very much!

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  2. THANK YOU!!!!!
    You always know the perfect time to write about something that I need to hear :-)
    I'm so sick and tired of the all those SHOULD'S you mentioned. It feels soooo good to say "Jep, it bloody hurts and the pain will go away whenever it wants to go away and NOT because it SHOULD and not because I SHOULD feel better already only because I SHOULD make more of an effort to make the 'right' choice and laugh it all away when all I feel like doing is crying for a while." I've figured that people don't want to be around people who are in pain 'coz it reminds them about their own pain and they don't wanna look too closely at their own sh*t.
    THANK YOU for always understanding! THANK YOU for always knowing and for being able to feel so deep! I know I repeat myself again but I'm so so so glad that you are who you are and that you are so authentic and thank you so much for continuing to write this blog. Nothing gives me so much, nothing nurtures me so much than your words. THANK YOU :-) xox

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  3. I have found in my personal life that the "complete and conscious control" is what is perceived by the observer and can be at times the fartherest thing dancing in the mind of the one being "accused" of such. I truly do have a positive outlook on life and choose to see the cup as half full, the blessings in the storm; not that I do not still endure the storm with every sense of vulnerability. I believe transparency in adulthood has to be re-learned after the innocense of it is stripped in the realm of judgement. We have to learn through doing that it is ok to be transparent and vulnerable, not just for ourselves but for others. Pretending that we are in complete and conscious control of absolutely everything is also a choice...and who is to say which is best for the individual at the time that choice is made because they too are making the best choice based on what he or she is working with at that time. There are times I wear my emotions on my sleeves and will pour out my soul and at other times you could not crack through what I am feeling with a hammer and chisel.

    I really like the saying, "don't should on me and I won't should on you."

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    1. Hasandra, I do not assume that someone who looks like they think they are in control is in fact thinking that- but I have heard many say it very explictly. You're right of course- holding this belief is one of the choices we have- and even denial of reality can be for someone the best they can do at the moment. My problem with it - and what is being addressed in this blog- is the selling of this belief as fact to others by insisting that, for instance- happiness is a choice (ie- available as a real choice) for everyone in every minute- so your unhappiness must be your choice right now- so sad, too bad. This kind of insistance that we can know what is or is not a real choice in this moment for another is not neutral- it does real harm- and I hear the result of that harm everyday as I counsel people who, under the bombardment of this kind of assertion, are feeling there must be something wrong with them because they cannot find the happiness switch that someone else is insisting is available to everyone all of the time. The blog asks folks to consider the harm this kind of New Age evangelical fundamentalist does to human beings and suggestions compassion rather than cheerleading might be more helpful and less harmful.

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    2. Great post Oriah, thankyou. I perceive that we are truly arriving at a new and deeper level of conscious awareness when we can see that while choice is sometimes available to us, sometimes it isn't! And it's a matter of accepting our lack of choice in those moments. (This is not a weasel-y idea - acceptance is often way more difficult than resistence) Inner work such as journaling can help us stay curious and present, and eventually, if we are able to allow it in that moment, our still small voice comes through and helps us see the choices that are available to us. Sometimes these are still unpalatable, and lead to more pain in the short-term, but they are borne out of authenticity rather than the sound-byte shoulds.
      Thanks again for your clarity and dedication.
      Juliet

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    3. Oh Juliet, I would agree- acceptance is often much more difficult than resistance :-)

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  4. I understand what you are conveying and I agree with you that any type of inspiration, motivation, encouragement, etc. be it spiritual or otherwise that leaves another more wounded than when they started could be unhealthy, but I also recognize it as a part of the healing journey, it can be very insightful as well (not being able to bounce back could signal the need for deeper levels of inner work, medication, or seeing a professional). I am always amazed by the fact that we all experience difficult situations, setbacks and disappointments and how some turn these experiences into valuable life lessons while others find them overwhelming; I believe that response is the choice here not whether or not you will experience adversity and even crumble under it. This very blog could be therapy for some while others would never find the courage within themselves to be this vulnerable but will find the strength within themselves by hearing one of those "cheerleading" messages

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  5. Yes, yes, yes . . .I have thought this many times but didn't know how to put it into words. I just know I feel 'less than' when reading all those slogans and how I am supposed to have the Law of Attraction,etc. working for me. People who have the "invisible" conditions whether it be depression, a physical condition or huge stresses in their lives cannot 'think' themselves out of it. Thank you so much for finding those words, Oriah. SO validating! Light, Maeve

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  6. I cheered when I read this. It's rather ironic that some writers on spiritual exploration end up being as heavy on "ought" and "should" as the organised religions whose negative impact is what started many of us on the quest for more a meaningful spiritual practice. The examples you give above sound so like in tome to the admonitions of a church I used to belong to! For me, being open to how I feel at this moment, however negative or difficult, is so important. It's taken years, and I'm still struggling at times, to even recognise some of the feelings, and I'm still learning to own them without self-judgement. Yes, there is an underlying decision to choose happiness and to choose to like and respect myself as I am, but the journey to living those choices has to be through recognition of and respect for the dark times when "happy" isn't the truth of how I am - those are often the times of most learning and insight.

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  7. Oriah, I believe that something you said in one of your books speaks profoundly to both sides of this coin, "that which we want to outrun will not lose it's power over us until we can be with it." whether that is being with the fact that "cheerleading" messages make us uncomfortable, organized religion causes deeper exploration into other ways of seeking God, sitting with an opinion unlike ours, etc. etc. We must sit with it and explore...do the work

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    1. Hassandra, not sure why you are trying to "convince" me of something here. I am not concerned with comfort. I am concerned with the very real harm I witness being done by these kind of spiritual slogans- not, of course, to everyone who reads them- but often to many who are in a particularly difficult and vulnerable moment. There is a place to discern what is harmful and minimally name it as such in an effort to mitigate this harm- which is the purpose of this blog. Of course, others may see it differently, but for me "Do no harm" is a bottom-line kind of measurement of our actions. For example I do not need to "sit with" child abuse to know it is wrong. My work as a counsellor has put me in touch with just how much harm these slogans often do- which, again, is what this blog addresses.

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  8. Oriah,

    Thank you for that bit of impetus that I needed today as I begin living in my car. I cherish your words and those of others that have responded. I don't need a cheerleader, just someone to listen. And, right now no one knows. It is still my secret. My lens to the world has opened wider and my heart softened as I am gripped by "acceptance" of myself and my situation.

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    1. Oh Fritz, this sounds like a truly challenging situation. Sending prayers for you - and will continue to do so over the days to come. May you be well. May you find ease. May you find a place that is home to you body, mind, heart and soul.

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    2. Thank you, Oriah

      I feel your gentle touch upon my shoulder, and it makes a difference.

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  9. You so beautifully expressed what I have been thinking lately. Thank you.

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  10. Oh, I love this, Oriah. I find spiritual cheerleading to sometimes be motivated by self-righteousness. I've done it enough times to be familiar with it. The last time I did this to someone, I found myself in the same situation about three days later. What an awakening.

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    1. Brenda, bless your honesty! Yes, we all do it at times. I find myself doing this kind of cheerleading when I am frustrated with someone else making what I think is a "choice" that creates unhappiness. What I really should say (to myself) is that I am unable to be with them at that time in their unhappiness- and just take a break- so I can come back without judgement.

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  11. Hi Oriah...Thank you for this post. Spot on....how many times have we each experienced people responding to our stories of pain, grief, loss or abuse with spiritual or psychological platitudes? I have come to realize that people, myself included, offer these platitudes when they/we don't really want to hear and feel what people are saying. Often, all I want from people is for them to "see" me; to affirm my reality. I don't need them to fix it or make it go away; I just need to feel that I have been been seen and heard. I try to remind myself of this when I am listening to others. I don't need to remove their pain or fix their lives; just acknowledge their reality. Kim

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    1. Kim, yes indeed- I have on a couple of occasions realized that I am not listening to the other, but feeling a rising panic about how I can respond. If I can catch this, I can just take deep breath and remind myself that they (like myself when I am in pain) don't need my "reponse"- they need my full and open-hearted attention. Really does help! :-)

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  12. Thank you for this post, Oriah -- so relevant in today's "self help" climate, and something I think about a lot personally, so this resonates. It also speaks to the core of what is flawed about the "Law of Attraction" and similar such belief systems. I'm surprised more folks haven't commented.

    And I didn't know your book-in-progress was about choice -- how intriguing, especially coming from you. Your nonjudgmental approach, combined with your openness to being surprised; to seeing things anew, is what inspires me most about you.

    Jesse

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    1. Thanks Jesse. Well, there was quite a lot of conversation about it on Facebook- more than usual actually- was an interesting thread. :-) O xo

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