Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Freeing The Inner Hostage

When did I get to be so timid, so cautious, so afraid to stand up and say something raw and real, something that might make others uncomfortable?  

With awareness comes choice. I am overwhelmingly grateful for the book sales that allow me to write. But I've recently discovered that I've been holding myself hostage to this unexpected boon. Because the truth is, with the book sales and the “fame” (albeit a one on the one-to-ten scale of this kind of ephemeral “known-ness” that brings both blessings and strangeness) I’ve become. . .  cautious. 

When something you offer goes beyond the local circle that knows you personally, it invites projection because. . . . well, because that’s what we human beings do: we project the best and the worst of ourselves- onto others. It’s such a consistent thing in the human family that I have to assume it’s a feature, not a bug. It lets us see qualities that we are not ready to own (or aren’t even aware of) in ourselves, helps us see our reaction to and work out our relationship to these qualities.

We've all experienced the difficulties with  projections- the confusion and hurt of realizing that the other has not seen us for who we are or doesn’t like what they see when our humanness emerges; the anguish when our projection onto another drops and we see the human being before us and are less than thrilled with what we see (and with whom we may have intertwined some aspect of our life.) 

My default survival strategy as a child was to take responsibility. For everyone. And everything. All the time. Yes, as crazy as it sounds (and is) I decided (although that sounds far more conscious than I could have been) that the only response to my existence being an on-going disappointment to my mother, was to work hard with every breath to make everything alright for everyone. Impossible, but it kept me moving, trying, working, striving for more than a few decades. Until my body collapsed. And then, with a lot of help, I learned (and am still learning) about self-love and care, about the limits to my ability to respond, about what is and is not mine to “fix” or “save," about how we co-create what is -together.

It’s an on-going healing, and one I have come to appreciate for the consciousness it requires and cultivates. But the old default strategy is wired into my limbic brain. Most of the time I can see it, catch it, sit with it. But one of the things that sometimes triggers unconscious terror in me is feeling or anticipating others' disappointment.

And nothing breeds disappointment like projection.

So, the reason I get all antsy and ambivalent about doing public speaking or teaching (aside from my soul-deep need to spend my time writing) is 1) I know (and hope) some folks will come because they have read my books; 2) not knowing me personally they will project all kinds of wonderful qualities they have onto me; and 3) as they see me and get to know me they will be disappointed. It's inevitable, although probably not as consistent or ubiquitous as I imagine in my worst moments. And as much as I dread seeing or feeling others' disappointment, what really scares me is what I have done and might unconsciously do again to avoid it-  censoring myself, hedging on the truth as I know it, or taking on impossible responsibilities that are simply not mine. 

Oh, it's not all about self-preservation. When I have an opportunity to offer something I want to ensure that (to the best of my ability) I do no harm, that I offer something that encourages us to be compassionate and kind. But compassion and kindness has to include room for our human frailty and  shadow- those qualities we might want to deny even in our own minds.

Because I am every bit as human- as contradictory and inconsistent and messy in my thoughts, feelings and actions- as anyone else. Sometimes, at the end of a long day in the midst of a week of conscientious self-care, I eat six popsicles. Yep, six! Don’t ask me why. Some days, within minutes, I swing from feeling genuine compassion for people who are clearly having a hard day, to wanting to verbally lop off a few heads for bad behaviour. Some days I wish the best for my ex, and some days I hope he is tortured by living in the house I bought and furnished with things I'd either carefully purchased after saving for years, or inherited from my grandmother. 

I try not to feed or act on the popsicle-craving, head-lopping, vengeful aspects of self. And some days I succeed. But that doesn’t mean those aspects aren’t there and won't at times, be all too apparent. That's just what it is to be a human being. And when (not if, but when) my humanness disappoints another, well. . . that's also just what is. Another’s disappointment may feel momentarily life-threatening, but that’s an echo of an old reality that has passed. 

And even this- this failure to consistently maintain (or pretend to maintain) the awareness that others’ reactions are theirs and are not about me- well it’s yet another part of the messy magnificence of me.

So, look out. There's no telling what might come out of me now that I am no longer being held hostage to the unconscious desire to avoid disappointing people- both those I know and those I don't. 

Oriah (c) 2012

23 comments:

  1. Thank you Oriah so much for this post! Once again, I am amazed at the synchronicity of how what you write relates to my own path. Just this morning (prior to reading your post)I was meditating on a similar theme regarding others, and I realize that fear of disappointing others and the resulting effects (both pre and post) are something that I am still trying to transform. For me, it has been especially present by holding myself up to some illusionary standard that only serves as an excuse to not be as engaged with my spiritual community.

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  2. Dear lady, I've been where you are and occasionally go there still. It's been 45 years since I gave myself away to a man who couldn't love. Every once in a while I have to write a grief poem just to get rid of it after it has interfered with healthy relationships. Agreed, being human is messy business. Thanks to the gods, we learn how to tidy up. Namaste

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  3. Glad to hear this from you ;-) I've learned (the hard way) that not speaking up because of worry about disappointing others, or from anxiety about possible conflict, to not allow myself the freedom to express what's important to me caused a lot of negative pressure to build up over time. It's debilitating on several levels, & I suffered for years before figuring that out.

    This is *not* saying that one should disregard civility, respect, or go about verbally bludgeoning others. With freedom of expression comes the responsibility to be mindful during the process. In other words, think before speaking -- but *do* speak :-)

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    1. The difficulty with changing this kind of thing- and I don't think anyone would argue that a change is not needed- is that "figuring it out" is a necessary but insufficient ingredient in the mix. Figuring it out- seeing and understanding it- is important. But most of the time this kind of thing operates from the unconscious, well below our figuring-out-mind. Real change doesn't happen at the mental level. I can't tell you how many times I have watched myself or others figure something like this out, only to have behaviour and reactions change very little. The work of no longer being held hostage happens at a much deeper level- in psyche/soul (that works in the language of symbols) and body (that holds the echo of old fears and lessons long after they are relevant.) That work is. . . more nonlinear, unpredictable and. . . . sometimes harder to see. :-)

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  4. Oriah - thank you for this post. Having read your blog for a while now, I can hear the difference in your writing voice in this post; it definitely sounds "freer"... like you released something. Probably released yourself from the grip of your unconscious desire to disappoint. Ahh, how I long to be freed too. What a great visual to see oneself as hostage to it, as that helps to fuel my desire to free myself. Imagine the things waiting to come forth out of ourselves if we just released the grip this thought has on us?! I think if I wasn't so concerned about disappointing others, I would actually be a better friend, partner, employee, etc. It's so restricting. I love what you said about how "Another’s disappointment may feel momentarily life-threatening, but that’s an echo of an old reality that has passed." Beautiful! It sure HAS passed, and we carry it into the present moment when it has no business being there. Just last week I wrote a post about 'setting my writing free.' I was holding it hostage due to worrying about disappointing readers. It felt freeing... the post can be found here: http://anokinashahbaz.com/2012/09/setting-my-writing-free.html

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  5. Oriah, I salute your messy magnificence! Can't wait to see what will come out of you!

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    1. Thanks Jessica- can't wait to see myself! :-)

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  6. Thank you, Oriah, for sharing your vulnerabilities with the world and with me and daring to show what it is to be human.

    I, too, struggle with the Good Wolf and the Bad Wolf and the feeling of needing to be loved and accepted which leads me to compromise who I am. Sometimes I find it difficult to hold on to the fact that who I am is enough, what I am doing is enough. There are so many lost or failed dreams and life seems to get harder the more conscious I am - and perhaps that's the point.

    I wish that everyone could know for themselves that they are supremely loved and cherished as they are, that there is no need for them to cover up what they believe to be unsightly about themselves.

    Love and blessings
    Ruby

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  7. Oriah,

    Thanks for the courage to speak up about the malady that we all carry at times, that of disappointing someone and the fear of the consequences. This matter bears a lot more reflecting upon. Thanks for being a role-model of courage about "Being". I guess it's time to stop "Betraying" myself.

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  8. I really love and appreciate this post. I've become aware by listening to myself and others how often those on a spiritual path forget our humanity. Facing my shadow self with openness and honesty is what serves to keep reminding me that I am in human form. I read everything you write and love it all but something about this post captured me fully.

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  9. I know this feeling and have always worked hard to push through it, building almost a protective shell that's usually inadequate. I love the idea of you doing some workshops and would certainly aspire to attend. From your writing and commentary, I feel that you are a longtime friend. Your credibility for me is built in from having access to some of the deep thoughts you share with us and I don't see how you could disappoint me. Instead, I feel a level of trust that other workshop leaders would have to earn, whereas I would enter your room with an already trusting heart. Thank you for making us privy to your personal journey and helping us see that we all have one important thing in common: we are human. Blessings to you, Oriah.

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  10. I found this very interesting. I have spent my life feeling responsible -for the happiness of others, for making things work, for there not being any bother....
    I am finding more of myself but cannot (and I'm not sure I want to) stop looking after everyone else.
    I love your poem, The Invitation, which I saw on Robyn's blog today and would like to use it today as one of my beautiful things.
    All the best to you
    :)

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    1. Being helpful to and taking care of others is often a joy and a priviledge- the problem arises if we either feel we really do not have a choice and/or if we set up an impossible expectation of ourselves. I would suggest (as gently as possible) that wanting to "look after everyone else" is an impossible expectation. It can't be done. We can look after a few here and there- as hopefully some look after us from time to time- but we cannot look after "everyone" (not even everyone we encounter :-)

      Happy to have folks share "The Invitation" although always ask that they include this attribution:

      By Oriah from her book, THE INVITATION (c)1999. Published by HarperONE, San Francisco. All rights reserved. Presented with permission of the author. www.oriah.org

      That keeps the legal beagles at Harper Collins happy. Blessings, Oriah

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  11. Life is a game of projections!
    The question is "What might I/might you be projecting - relatively unconsciously - on to those we think might be projecting on to us?"

    Resolution comes from integrating/reclaiming that part of oneself which is unconsciously projected on to someone or something exterior.

    So if you (meaning I as well) see those projecting on to you as "dangerous, invasive nuisances" (for example) all you need do is give yourself the permission and pleasure to reconnect and allow this part of yourself that is a dangerous, invasive nuisance to live and express itself in full blossom! - not as a matter for immediate general application but as preparation for future use when specific future circumstances call for it.

    To tell yourself "I am a dangerous, invasive nuisance, and good so" would be a good phrase to work with in the example given, not as an intellectual concept but as a "code" to enable the reconnection and reconciliation within the body first, followed by a larger understanding of the mind at a later point.
    The chronic result, if this is the correctly diagnosed, is the evaporation of fear and the issue of projections of others becoming a non-issue.

    Very best.

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    1. I shared this story as a description of the process of inner exploration and integration, and in celebration of unravelling one small piece of what has been unconsciously breeding a bewildering ambivalence around public speaking, despite its many rewards and joys. The issue is resolved for me, and I am curious as to why you read "dangersous, invasive nuisance" into any aspect of the story- or chose it as an expample. Perhaps it would be more useful if presented in a story of your own experience of projecting this quality onto another or finding/relating to it in yourself as you suggest I do? I understand how projections work and how they are resolved, but find that learning/healing happenes when these theories are related to lived experience in our own human lives- which is why I share my writing here and in my books. :-)

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  12. Thank you so much for this post Oriah. Recently I have been working on some of what you have shared here and it feels encouraging not to be so alone with this very integral work and healing.

    Some of the biggest triggers for me including disappointment from others is if I feel I have angered someone, they feel dislike towards me, or I imagine them to have power over me. I can literlly disconnect from myself in terror, a terror that through my internal work I know has its origin in my childhood traumas and multi generational wounding.

    As a child my primary caretakers disapproval, disappointment, anger and dislike of me through words and in/actions felt/were life threatening, particularly as I was raised in a climate abscent of love, compassion, understanding and empathy.

    My quest is to clear all my primary unconscious reactions to my past woundings so I can live in the present, experience reality and relate to myself and others from this place.

    These unconscious processes have governed my life to such an extent that for much of my life I was literally a stranger to myself as I moulded myself to please others. i did not know what I liked, who I was, what did I want to stand up for. My body also collapsed and the loss of those years and the imapct on my physical body and psychological health have been enormous and I am grieving this. Not from a place of self pity (althoufgh that has been known to arise on occassion:) ) but primarily as a self-loving act and acknowledgemt of the many losses over the many years.

    Again thank you for sharing. with love.

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    1. Nadia, oh I can relate to so much of this- and yes- there is a strange and bittersweet feeling about discovering our own life again because we do indeed feel the grief of having lost and been out of touch with who we were for so long. Grief is part of the healing process.

      I will say that I do not think that we ever really and completely `clear` all triggers- but we do depotentiate then as we get to know them- which is to say, they remain but instead of flying into unconscious reaction we feel the ripple, hear the distant warning bell and, before we take action externally or disconnect internally are able to think, "Oh yes, I get what set that off- but it does not apply to the present," and we can smile and move ahead.

      A book I have found very helpful is "The Inner World of Trauma" by David Kalsched. It has helped me appreciate how those old defenses ensured the survival of my personal spirit during a time when, as a child, I was relatively powerless. Appreciating these defenses I can reassure them, "Not now. It's okay. Here and now is not the same as there and then." :-)

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  13. Love this post Oriah. You put to words what I've been wrestling with for a few years now. When my writing was just shared with friends and other moms I felt safe and invited in my sharing. As my audience grew I felt exposed and uncomfortable and started to moderate what I wrote. But I've been feeling dissatisfied at shrinking back so now am recommitting to keep writing from that authentic place that has a voice thru me.

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    1. Deborah, so good to hear- so freeing to recognize where we have been holding back, if only a little out of an unconscious fear- and to choose to go more deeply into our authentic voice. Yay! :-)

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  14. I knew I felt this affinity .... over the course of 'knowing' your books ... for years & years. And then, when I read I read the above, my heart tweaked with understanding. Feeling THAT responsibility for everything, the overwhelming desire to fix things in the world .... ahhhhh ..... such stories we weave ourselves into and in reading this, finding a bit of myself ... release, forgiveness & a balm is found. think you

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    1. Soozie, so glad- such freedom to be found in deepening awareness :-)

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  15. Thank you very much for the book recommendation Oriah, it's on my wish list.
    Over the many years of personal therapy, books have been a second kind of companion and healer on my journey.(I include 'The Invitation' and your books in particular 'The call' as some of those :-) )

    One of my favourite books is 'A general Theory of Love' by Thomas Lewis et al.

    I found it a deeply insigthful and groundbreaking book describing the science of love with literary beauty. Perhaps you have already read it.

    Here's a poem from the book...

    'We say, "I will" and "I will not," and imagine ourselves (though we obey the orders of some prosaic person every day) our own masters, when the truth is that our masters are sleeping.One wakes within us and we are ridden like beats, though the rider is but some hitherto unguessed part of ourselves.'

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    1. Nadia, do not know that book- thanks for the recommendation- sounds good! :-)

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