Creative work incubates within us long before it manifests in sounds or colours or shapes or stories. So, when I start to write a book, I go back and sift through the journals I’ve filled since the last book was written. I look for the luminous ends of threads and follow them down into the story that wants to be told. I dive into the recorded thoughts, feelings, choices, fears, joys and dreams in one small life, partly because it's the information on our inner lives to which I have the most direct access (augmented by the truth-telling journals- memory is often not reliable.)
Since any tale of my life in the last few years will include some reflection on the ending of my marriage (two years ago now,) I thought it would be wise (if not exactly fun) to go back and start reading about my experience as my ex-husband and I got together in 2000. It has been. . . . humbling. I am reading about the daily struggles of a woman (me- although there are moments when I would like to disavow ownership) earnestly and repeatedly talking herself out of the serious qualms she has about the relationship that is unfolding, and talking herself into a commitment that some part of her clearly knows is unwise. And this after years of deep psychological and spiritual inner work, a consistent daily practice, and supportive community!
Here’s the thing: we cannot be more conscious than we are. Knowing now what I did not know then, I can see how unconscious fears, stories, wounds and beliefs were shaping my choices. I'm not judging myself for this- it's simply what was.
But I’m looking for something else that I know is there, something I can feel in the shape and colour of the comments and stories, in the scent of the details of one small life: the arc of the healing my soul was seeking, orchestrating, creating. I have tremendous faith in the sacred Mystery that creates us and in what we are. Although, at times, we all self-sabotage, go unconscious, and make unwise choices, soul/psyche is always aiming for awareness of our essential wholeness, always using whatever is available to find the healing that will support us in making the choice to live fully and deeply.
So, with gentle curiosity (and a little trepidation) the soul-sleuthing begins. I continue to read and write, seeing the arc of my own soul/psyche exposing the primal wound I had never faced, bringing about the healing I have always ached for, opening me to the ever-deepening spiral of loving myself, life and the world.
It’s not always an easy story, but that’s okay. It’s still being told, is unfolding with increasing ease and joy, and I have every confidence that it ends well.
Oriah (c) 2012
Posts
I am so happy to say that "what was I thinking?" rarely happens to me anymore. But I can also say that when it does, I now welcome it. Realizing that this is how we continually awaken to deeper aspects of Self, I can readily enjoy the HA! moment of seeing how I was "unconscious" to life in a particular way.
ReplyDeleteAs always, your sharing illuminates the beauty of the process as we discover loving acceptance of self <3
As always you are very brave to probe those uncomfortable places and as always, very compassionate to probe with an eye to trying to understand and accept. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteSending you love and light in support of your shadow work. Today is a World Peace meditation day. Here is the link if you care to share/participate.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.reiki.org/WPCM.html
Reading this gives me hope. I have one rather big 'what was I thinking' situation at the moment and despite most of those I care about declaring my insanity (somehow I didn't hear it like that at the time) I still went ahead and did it believing I could make it work. From this I have learnt that yes I have gumption but I am also learning to learn from mistakes and grow some wisdom so as not to make the same ones again. I realise I know so little I still have so far to go. Thank you for sharing x x x
ReplyDeleteSo many good lines in this post Oriah! One that stands out to me: "soul/psyche is always aiming for awareness of our essential wholeness." How wonderful to think that our soul always wants us to move in the direction of loving ourselves and others more deeply.
ReplyDeleteReading this, I am reminded of a recent blog post I read by Blaine Hogan where he talks about hearing his 2-year old say "Uh-oh" each time she drops something or "messes" up... he goes on to say that "the "uh oh!" always means she's trying something new; it means she's learning." He applies this to adult life and how our "uh-oh" moments don't have to mean something went wrong - but rather that we get to try it differently next time. :)
And in reflecting over the statement "what was I thinking" it seems to me that we weren't thinking at all but rather going unconscious in that moment. I love what you say about not judging yourself for it... which is a whole other level of spiritual work that has to take place..
Love this- maybe we need to value uh-oh moments as much as we value ah-ha moments?
DeleteWhat I love about the What was I thinking? question is that it reveals our delusion that we make all or life choices from the rational mind. Ha! Not so. And that's part of what intrigues me. If my rational mind was clearly not making that choice- what part of me was? Have assumed (when things don't work out as I had hoped) that the choice was made from the unconscious- from old fears etc. But. . . what if that's not the whole story- what if there is something about the unconscious- soul- that is at least in part directing choices for healing? Hopeful :-)
This is beautiful, Oriah. A big part of my healing process has been to forgive myself for so many of the decisions I've made. The joy and peace of learning to embrace myself in all of my insanity trumps the sorrow of the heartache I feel for some of the choices I made.
ReplyDeleteAh yes Brenda- self-forgiveness. Forgiving others is a piece of cake compared to the self-forgiveness :-)Good work to do.
DeleteOriah,
ReplyDeleteI feel your words reaching into my heart and soul, reminding me of the journey I am on, and that the mistakes I have made are okay. I also pay heed to your wise words about embracing the journey ahead. I too need to look at the unconscious fears, choices, stories, joys and dreams of my small life more closely to avoid making the same mistakes and to create a brighter future. Thank you for your courage to write about the unfolding truth and the ache for healing we all long for. You have inspired me to write more of my story and to share what you have written here with my closest friends.
Way to go, Oriah!
Fritz
As a woman who also writes in journals, I recognize the journey you are describing, and value the reminder to reread the journals as a means of tracking where "i" have been and what has been lurking there that I can bring into my current creative process. As always, thanks for your candor and transparency.
ReplyDeleteSo many years since I have glanced at your site, Oriah, that the address in my "Favorites" was incorrect. there is a sadness for me in your, now 2 years past, divorce. Not sure why. I recognize what you say (about the inner knowing that the relationship probably wasn't going to survive)as being the case by my journal/diary entries over the last 30 years concerning the 3 significant relationships that I've had; one of them, while now 8+ years long, recently sealed in marriage on June 21, 2012, with pretty conscious, "what am I thinking?" And off I went to do it anyway. It seems like it should be easier to see who we are, doesn't it, instead of digging down, tearing down, blindly sliding down---and why down? Ah. Perhaps up is best. Finding this blogspot makes me happy.
ReplyDeleteJane, I have realized since posting this blog that the "What was I thinking?" question reflects a misunderstanding of where the decision to love and co-create a life with another is made- NOT in our pre-frontal cortex (the thinking part of the brain) but in other more instinctual/emotional/history carrying aspects of psyche. As difficult as it can be I do believe that psyche/soul is always going for healing and picks the partner (however unconsciouslly) with whom it sees an opportunity to heal old wounds. That often means the relationship echoes those wounds so we get a chance at the healing- which is often not easy. But healing can happen- has happened and for that I am deeply grateful.
DeleteOriah, can we talk about possibly this blog postregaring the arts? - Vivi Sojorhn
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely! :-)
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