Getting It

The topic of this blog- why some people in our lives do not “get” what we tell them about ourselves and our lives- has come up frequently in the last two weeks with both friends and clients. Several have been struggling with family members who do not seem to “get” that there are things they will not or cannot do. The latter comes up mostly with folks who are dealing with chronic illness, but struggling with others’ expectations is not confined to those with illnesses.

Our lives are interwoven in mutual endeavors, so sometimes having what we can't or won't do understood can be important. But, when we say we can’t or won’t do something, and then go ahead and do it anyway (even irritably, or at a cost to ourselves) people, understandably, are likely to believe our actions instead of our words. If this happens regularly, others will start ignoring what we say, and expect us to act as we have in the past.

Generally, what others don’t “get” about us, is what we do not fully grasp and/or accept about ourselves.

And therein lies our frustration: We want someone to “get” something about us that we are having trouble seeing and accepting (as legitimate or true) about ourselves. And when they don’t, we become angry. But the truth is, if we don’t get it, they’re not likely to. After all- we are the primary source of information about who and what we are. 

Often what we are hoping for is someone to champion aspects of self that we find unacceptable.

And it won’t work. If I don’t accept that I can’t go out in the evening (because of health challenges,) or cannot talk to a friend or family member for hours whenever they call (because of other commitments or needs and health challenges) or do not want to go to large gatherings that I find exhausting (even though I think an event may have merit but because I really don’t enjoy large gatherings) then how will my friends and family ever understand or accept these truths about me?

And it doesn’t stop there. If I express my desire to have meaningful substantive conversations and let others know I find endless small talk exhausting, but continue to engage in endless small talk (that others enjoy) I can hardly blame others for not offering me what I want and need.

But here’s the good news: watching where we become frustrated or resentful of others not getting us- we find a clue about what we are not seeing fully or accepting about ourselves. And that can be useful information, a pointer for inquiry, a way to see where we abandon ourselves, a motivation to begin to cultivate some tenderness for both the aspect that is being short-changed and our fear of a wider, deeper self-acceptance.

Because if we really got this thing we want the other to get– well, it wouldn’t matter so much if they did or not. Of course, there are times when I extend myself beyond preferences or limitations out of love, service and concern for others. But if this is the rule and not the exception, if it is not adequately counter-balanced by that which feeds my body-soul-mind-heart-self, it is simply not a sustainable way of living.

There are no guarantees: if we accept and live by some basic truths about who we are and our current limitations, others may be unhappy with us. But being true to what we know is good, enriching, and soul-serving for us ensures we are likely to be less resentful and angry and more accepting of what others need (particularly if we are not always the ones providing.)

If others don’t seem to “get” something about us, generally it’s because we are not fully seeing and accepting this truth about ourselves. They cannot do it for us or without us. We are the ones who need to “get” who and what we are.  

Oriah (c) 2012